T GAMBLE: Longing for a trophy in the world of non-active sports

It seems to me that the American public is migrating more and more to less “active” sporting endeavors. I’ve written about it before, but when cornhole becomes a televised event with sponsors and prize packages, well what else need I say? I acknowledge some folks are a little better than others at hitting the hole and knocking the bag out of the way, etc. But what workout routine does it require to be “game ready?”

One must have at least one arm to start with. I guess that checks the more inclusive box that everyone looks for these days. Most sports require two arms, and in a way cornhole still does in that you can’t throw the bag and drink a beer at the same time. But if you forgo drinking, something that in south Georgia I have never personally witnessed, one can still function quite well one-handed. Otherwise, the only requirements of physical fitness are breathing and the ability to walk back and forth from each end of the boards. I know quite a few friends who may be disqualified for their inability to complete the walk without at least stopping to rest.

It is not just cornhole that makes me think we are entering a new era of sporting inactivity where shuffleboard may soon be considered a vigorous sport. Look at the newest craze, pickleball. I must confess I have never played pickleball, but it appears to be a cross between tennis and badminton. No more long runs to get to a ball. Nope, just stand close to the net and reach back and forth like miniature ping pong. Pickleball courts are going up everywhere, and leagues are starting everywhere.

Of course, these “sports” will not take over in popularity over the fantasy football, basketball, baseball, and everything else leagues that most kids now play. They are the ultimate do-nothing sports because, well, you play them and do absolutely nothing. You simply bet someone else will do good and get in shape and perform well. Where were they back when I was trying to play high school sports?

We have now managed to whittle golf down to burning 82 calories if you play 18 holes, as we all ride golf carts and park 9 inches from the green to avoid any long walks. Football now outlaws hitting the quarterback below the knee or above the shoulders. That doesn’t leave a whole lot of area to hit and what is left is areas I don’t want to be anywhere near.

I once wrestled a bear at Bananas nightclub in a time and place far, far away from today. After entering the ring with the 660-pound bear — Lucy was her name by the way — the trainer instructed me I could not punch the bear, choke the bear, kick the bear, gouge the bear, or poke the bear’s eyes. This left pretty much only running away from the bear, which I soon learned was probably a good idea to begin with. I never realized that Lucy was the NFL quarterbacks of her day, always protected.

Before long, the 100-yard dash will be 25 yards, or meters, whatever the heck they are using these days. I don’t know, if we keep coming up with less active sports, I may still have a chance to make a hall of fame someday. Until then, my shadow case will remain above my fireplace, empty, waiting still for its first trophy.