HAL BRADY: Making a good marriage

“And so they were married and lived happily ever after.” Mother closed the book. The children’s eyes were glowing. No one spoke. It was as if they were under a spell. In imagination, they saw the handsome prince on his white horse with the beautiful princess sitting before him, riding off into the sunset to a life of bliss and harmony.

Deep down, most everybody has this dream: “And so they were married and lived happily ever after.”

In a way, Jesus pointed to the fulfillment of this dream when he said, “Let your light so shine before humankind, that they may see your good works and give glory to your father who is in heaven.” In Methodist circles, we say at the beginning of the marriage ceremony, “It is therefore not to be entered into unadvisedly but reverently, discreetly, and in the fear of God.” Some wag said that God made marriage holy, but we must make it good. As I was thinking about this, I was thinking about how we make good marriages or a marriage where the “light shines through.” The following are several ingredients to a good marriage.

First, a commitment to permanency. The question in good marriage is not do you love each other. That’s an emotional question and you can fall out of love just as easily as you have fallen in love. The question in good marriage is will you love each other. Will you make a commitment to Love each other?

Second, a clearing away of unrealistic role expectations. Spouses often expect unrealistic role expectations of each other, such as “you will fulfill all my needs, “stay the way you are,” “you are supposed to make me happy.” Unrealistic.

Third, a nurturing of the relationship. Following the wedding ceremony, the newly married couple usually receives congratulations, greetings at the reception, often leave for a honeymoon, and then come back and set up home. What then? Rule No. 1, nurture the relationship. Rule No. 2, nurture the relationship. Rule No. 3, nurture the relationship.

So, how do you nurture the relationship? It’s the friends you choose together, the prayers you pray together, the problems you solve together, the joys and sorrows you share together. It’s the things intentionally done together — writing each other into date books.

Fourth, a majoring in the little things. Someone said, “Love is the most delicate flower that grows in the garden of the human heart, and it must be carefully cultivated.” For a good marriage, we keep on courting each other, carefully listening to each other and honoring each other.

Fifth, we take the initiative and remember that it is always up to us. If we want our marriage to work, it is always up to us, and never up to our partner.

Not long ago man called me and said, “Hal, I had to apologize to my wife and it wasn’t even my fault.”

I said, “Welcome to marriage!”

Sixth, a sense of humor. It must have been a wife who said that husbands are of three classes: prizes, surprises and consolation prizes. We all want to be prizes in our relationships. Humor is not an option in a good marriage.

Seventh, a forgiving spirit. What is forgiveness? It’s tying a bunch of ribbons around an old oak tree. Forgiveness is an innocent man hanging on a cross dying — dying to himself.

Eighth, a commitment to God. A wise old man said, “Except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it.” That man was wise, indeed.

Well, you probably knew all that, I just wanted to remind you.

The Rev. Hal Brady is an ordained United Methodist minister and executive director of Hal Brady Ministries, based in Atlanta.