CARLTON FLETCHER: Today’s legal buzz phrase: I’m gonna get paid

Send lawyers, guns and money. The s* has hit the fan.

— Warren Zevon

TRUE STORY: A woman was driving in her late-model vehicle when, out of nowhere, she was hit by another driver. The driver of the second vehicle complained of injuries and insisted when police arrived that they call an ambulance. Before emergency personnel arrived, the officers at the scene took statements from the drivers involved and witnesses and determined that the driver of the second vehicle had been at fault. Police told the driver she needed to sign a ticket charging her with traffic offenses before the ambulance took her to the emergency room. When she discovered she’d be charged in the incident, she said, “I don’t need no ambulance” and drove angrily away.

TRUE STORY: One of the best players on a high school sports team showed up at school one day wearing a neck brace. Asked what had happened to him, the athlete told his coach, “Me and the boys were riding around last night and a car bumped into us.” The coach told the athlete, “Man, I’m sorry you were injured. It’s going to be tough for the team playing without you.” The surprised athlete replied, “But, coach, I can still play.” Told that the school and the coach would be liable for the student’s wellfare if he were allowed to play with an injury, the athlete took the neck brace off, flipped it into his locker and walked away with a grin.

TRUE STORY: A long-time government worker was caught stealing on the job and was promptly fired and arrested. The worker hired a lawyer to claim that she had “health issues” that led to her irrational behavior. She won the case, was paid back pay for the time she spent in jail and off the job, and started receiving a rather healthy monthly disability check.

TRUE STORY: A woman is driving home alone at night on the stretch of rural roadway. She sees a man on a bicycle in the distance and slows her vehicle considerably. When she pulls her car abreast of the bike rider, who had dismounted, he suddenly flings the two-wheeler into the front of her car. He tells the stunned driver, “Call the sheriff because I’m going to charge you with reckless driving.” Even though the law enforcement report on the incident indicated there was no evidence that the driver had been in the wrong, her insurance company told her it would settle the “nuisance suit,” giving the hustler a sum of money, rather than pay the cost of a court battle.

TRUE STORY: A woman walked slowly into a business with the help of a companion. Her movements were labored, and it was obvious to all present that she needed the assistance to get around. When she started to take a seat at the establishment, her companion let go of her arm. She immediately fell to the floor. Her first words after the fall: “I’m going to sue.”

Forget lawsuits, the buzzworthy phrases in today’s society are, “victimhood” and the ubiquitous, “I’m gonna get paid.”

Sadly, these people usually do.

POPULAR JOKE: A university committee was selecting a new dean. It had narrowed the candidates to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer. Each was asked this question during their interview: “How much is two plus two?” The mathematician answered immediately, “Four.” The economist thought for several minutes and answered, “Four, plus or minus one.” Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, “How much do you want it to be?”

Maybe not Louis CK-worthy, but a sad-but-unfortunately-often-true take on what has become the practice of law in America, as more and more “personal injury” ambulance chasers insist you call them if you’ve been “wronged” in any way. Their sleezy hook? “You may be entitled to …”

I know, I know. We’ve got to find something for all those law school graduates to do so they can pay off their student loans. But if their profession keeps trolling for accident victims and convincing incompetents and swindlers that they were wronged — or, worse yet, discriminated against — when they were involved in an accident (fake or real), lost or were not given a job, we’re going to keep hearing more cautionary tales like the ones above.

Amazingly, the practitioners of the art of law have the temerity to call this justice.

Email Carlton Fletcher at [email protected]. Follow him on Twitter @ABH_Fletcher.