CARLTON FLETCHER: The joy that comes from freely giving

Thank you for the days, Those endless days, those sacred days you gave me.

— The Kinks

I’ll make it clear from the start, this column is not about me. It’s about a much better part of me.

Like me, my wife, Tara, grew up very poor. It breaks my heart when she tells me things like her “drinking lots of water so my stomach would be full and I wouldn’t be so hungry.”

Our lives now, though, are not so bleak. We are not in any way wealthy — although the way we see it, wealth is a state of mind and all the money in the world can’t buy you joy — but for the first time in both of our lives, we don’t fret every day about money.

Me, I can’t completely let go of that needy/greedy part of me, the part that developed when I was a kid and didn’t get all the things that my friends and peers had, and I find myself sometimes wanting to just snatch up those myriad things that are made available for free to people who do not work for a living. When I do, though, I feel guilty, ashamed of thoughts that, if acted upon, would mar the legacy of a hard-working father who taught me the value of doing the job I’m being paid to do as well as I possibly can.

Tara, though, has let go of that part of her life. Instead, she wants to help fill the various voids for people who are obviously struggling. To wit:

At a restaurant recently, she saw a little girl with an older person who could have been her mother, sister or some other relative. The little girl of maybe 10 or so had on a dirty T-shirt, and when her food was served, she went at it with both hands, using her fork only when it was absolutely necessary.

(A side note here: That little girl might have been a member of the richest family in Albany. She may have just been allowed out in messy clothes. We’ll never know. But as Tara watched her eat, tears came to her eyes. She called our waitress over — the same waitress who was serving this young girl and her companion’s table — and told the waitress to put their tab on our bill. She told me, “That just makes me so sad, and I want to do something for them.” I merely nodded, pleased at her gesture which, by the way, she asked our waitress to keep between us.)

Then, this week, Tara realized one of her long-held dreams when she bought several cloth bags and filled them with snack foods (and, believe me, I found myself lusting after the PuffCorn … there’s no better snack than PuffCorn), sanitary supplies and a few other staples. She instructed me to keep a couple of those bags in the truck and at the office downtown so that I could give them to people who might need them.

On the first day I had the bags, I saw one of the downtown regulars who’s frequently asked me for spare change. I said, “Hey man, I’ve got something for you here in my truck.” He started walking away, and I said, “Wait, this is some pretty good stuff … snacks and a few other things.” He said, “I ain’t got no money” and ran off while I yelled after him that there was no cost.

I was kind of iffy in the first place about the deal because I think it’s presumptive to assume anyone might need and accept such an offer from strangers. But later that day, I got fully on board.

I was driving home, and had to come to a stop because a lady was staggering in the middle of one of our busy streets. I eased up beside her and said, “Ma’am, what you’re doing is dangerous. You could get hit.” She started to fuss, but before she could say too much, I reached over and grabbed one of the bags Tara had prepared. I told her, “My wife and I want to help people that may be having a tough time … like we did when we were coming up. We’d like you to have this.”

She didn’t say thank you … I’m not sure that phrase is even in her vocabulary. But I could tell she couldn’t wait to see what all was in the bag.

I, on the other hand, was elated. I understood what it was Tara wanted to do. I felt uplifted in a way I haven’t in some time.

I’m probably going to be in the doghouse when Tara reads this. We both have always said that people who make charitable donations or do good deeds, and then make sure everyone knows about it, are doing these things for the wrong reason, more to glorify themselves than to help others in need. Tara did these things because she wanted to do good, to help others. And since today is her birthday, I figured she wouldn’t mind my sharing.