JOHN WALLACE: Rosy reflections of the past in my golden years

As I enter my golden years, I look back with rosy reflection on the decades that have gone before. It wasn’t always clear I was going to make it this far but, once I got married, the navigator got us back on course. I know I’m the Captain because my wife said I could be. Actually what she said, when I asked if I was the Captain of the ship, “Sure, I don’t care, call yourself anything you want.” She must have been very happy about this arrangement because one time she gave me a Captains’ hat and she just laughed and laughed. So here we are, the rat race is over and, I didn’t win, but we finished in a respectable time. It wasn’t always easy but here we are.

On my 10th birthday I became a man and put childish things behind me. I knew I was a man because my father gave me all his manly chores and told me he would be in the backyard drinking beer and listening to the game if I had any questions. The only advice he gave me was not to mow the lawn when the game was on. At the time I remember fondly looking back at my single digit years and thinking, well that was fun but, from here on in it’s a double digit world.

At 20, that’s when the trouble started. Legally I was a man. Mentally I was in the 14th grade. I didn’t have to go to school and have teachers tell me what I could and couldn’t do. I had a boss to do that now. But at least I got paid. Which I then used to pay my rent, car payments and food bills. Whatever was left over I invested. In wine, women and song.

At 30, I got married. I left behind the wine, women and song. From here on in it would be beer, the old lady and TV. But I was a lot smarter at 30. Hell, when I was 20, I didn’t even know there was a wrong way to put the toilet paper on the roller. Or that things belonged on specific shelves in the refrigerator. A man once told me the difference between being married and being single is that if you are single and you put something somewhere, six months later it is still right there where you left it.

At 40, I was fast approaching middle age. In 10 years it would be official so I had to make the best of the few years I had left. Now the dictionary defines a second childhood as; “when an adult acts like a child either for fun or as a consequence of reduced mental capabilities”. I’m convinced it’s because of the fun thing but my wife respectfully disagrees. She said any 40 year old man who takes up water skiing, skydiving and mud wrestling strippers has either got a screw loose (I was unaware there was a doctor in the house) or is trying to cash in on that whole Social Security Disability scam. I think that’s what she said. I stopped listening when she reminded me about the mud wrestling thing. Not to get off subject or anything but, the whole wrestling thing was for educational purposes. I learned that it’s not important whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.

At 50 I suddenly noticed something. Either I was getting old or all these young people were growing up stronger, faster and smarter than my generation. Or maybe they were eating better than we did. I knew that all those Cocoa Puffs, Pop Rocks and glasses of Kool Aid were going to catch up with me some day. In my defense, there were a lot of deceptive ads back then. Not like today. Hey, it said “kool” right in the name. Followed by “aid.” So, literally, drinking this would help you be kool. Who wouldn’t drink this stuff?

So now I am 60. I look back at this foolish lad I was and I just shake my head. What was he thinking? But, as a wise man once said, it’s all right now, in fact it’s a gas. In a few years we will be right where we always wanted to be. Money flowing in and no one to tell us what to do. Except the navigator. But we reached an understanding about that a long time ago. She tells me what to do and I do it. As the kids say, easy peasy.

John Wallace of Lee County contributes occasional opinion columns to The Albany Herald.