MANDY FLYNN: Please, no questions

My cell phone rang around 10 o’clock the other night. I wasn’t asleep, which is surprising considering I’ve reached the age I ask “is it time to go to bed yet?” and it’s only 7 p.m. It was our daughter, our college freshman, just calling to say hello.

We talked for a little while about nothing in particular, me careful not to ask too many questions. Have you ever noticed how hard it is not to ask questions when you’re trying not to ask questions? My small talk is in need of some serious help.

“The dogs don’t like their new dog food very much,” I told her. “I’ve put them on a diet. It’s diet dog food. Dad says they’re getting fat.” I thought she’d like to know.

“That’s interesting,” she said.

“How are classes?” I asked. Darn. I asked a question.

“Fine,” she said.

“I woke up late this morning,” I said. “I hate it when I wake up late.” There, I didn’t ask a question, but what in the world does my waking up late have to do with her classes and diet dog food?

“That’s interesting,” she said, but I could tell by her voice she was just being polite.

“Well, I’m pretty tired so I’m going to bed now,” she said, and that’s when aliens took over my body and questions spewed from my mouth.

“Have you been eating? What did you have for dinner? Do you like the food? Do I need to come up there and go grocery shopping with you so you’ll have something to eat in your room? Do you want me to come up there? Because I can, come up there. And bring you something to eat. Tonight, if you want. I really can.” I had officially lost it.

“Mom,” she said. “I love you. Good night.”

Good night, I told her. I love you, I said. Then I pressed End on my cell phone and she was gone. Only, it wasn’t really the end because I texted her good night followed by four heart emojis and a little smiley face one blowing a kiss.

Nothing says I love you like an emoji.

I used to text them all the time to my husband until he asked me what the weird symbols I was texting him meant. Apparently, he didn’t have emojis on his cell phone, meaning every time I sent him one, it showed up as a symbol thingy that made no sense. Somehow, a blank box didn’t depict my undying love for him.

“Why can’t dad see my emojis?” I asked my daughter one day. A question, I know, but she was standing right in front of me.

“It means he doesn’t have them on his phone,” she explained, then took it from him and performed some teenage voodoo magic on her father’s cell phone to make emojis appear. Hmmm, that made sense. I wonder….

“So what does it mean when you tell someone someone is sick and they text you back a bunch of alien heads in a box emojis?” I asked. I was especially concerned about my friends who, upon hearing someone in my family had been diagnosed with cancer, sent me “I’m praying for you” texts followed by emojis of alien heads in boxes. Was that Scientology? A secret code? Most of them were Baptists. Do aliens care if you dance?

“That means you don’t have that emoji on your phone,” she told me. “Or, to be blunt, it means your phone is old.” They’d probably sent me a thoughtful emoji full of love and understanding instead of an alien in a box. Whew.

When the phone didn’t ring at 10 o’clock last night, I reached over and sent my daughter a text. “Hope it was a great day,” I texted, followed by a smiley face emoji blowing a kiss. Too bad I couldn’t find an emoji of a fat dog.

Nothing says dad says the dogs are getting fat like an emoji.

And I thought she’d like to know.

Email lifestyles columnist Mandy Flynn at [email protected].