CARLTON FLETCHER: A few things we’ll miss when the pandemic is over

As one of those people who doesn’t like to “jinx” things by talking about them “too soon,” I’m a little hesitant to point out that it looks like we may just have this coronavirus thing on the verge of being under control.

(That’s understanding, of course, that it ain’t over ‘til it’s over and the anti-vaxxers could monkey wrench the whole thing with a couple of super spreaders … just to show you that, by god, they can.)

And while Scott Steiner would caution me about being overly optimistic prematurely, I’ve started to look at life as “post-COVID,” particularly when compared to the days of seeing every unguarded hand shake as a possible death threat.

(SIDE NOTE: I understand that you folks with far more superior intellect and insight into the workings of the human body knew what was happening with this virus all along while scientists were baffled. Perhaps we can just acknowledge that and just move on without you telling us again how smart you were to figure this all out while the rest of us were actually afraid for our lives and the lives of our loved ones. We understand: We’re such silly humans.)

As I’ve looked (cautiously) toward a life without COVID-19, I’ve started thinking about some of the things I’ll miss about living with a worldwide pandemic:

♦ Getting up in the morning, putting on a pair of pajama pants — or not — and a T-shirt, chugging a cup of coffee that was not made in an industrial communal pot by someone who likes to add an extra couple of scoops to make his Joe strong, the way he likes it, and then just plopping down in a bedroom chair to do the work I’ve done every day at the office for umpteen years before;

♦ The convenience of having meals delivered — any time of day and from any restaurant, even a favorite fast-food joint. (Of course, that also means that the Whopper with fries that used to cost you $5 now costs around $25, but, hey, who doesn’t enjoy a nice Whopper every now and then?)

♦ Keeping up with all those “reality” (yeah, right) TV series that seem to rerun every hour on the hour.

(SIDE NOTE 2: How does a TV network call itself The Learning Channel and put on such fare as it does? I guess viewers learn what crappy lives some other people have … of course, they’ll share their crappy stories for a few dollars.)

♦ Very few pop-in guests. Sure, it’s great to get a surprise guest every on occasion, but how annoying is it to have someone “stop by for a minute” right at dinner time and have them just “shoot the breeze” until your food is congealed and doesn’t quite taste the same after it’s warmed up in the microwave.

♦ All those stimulus checks. Sure, they were started as a misguided attempt to win an election (didn’t work), and continued as a way to help angry voters forget about said election (also didn’t work), but who didn’t enjoy getting all that “free” money that put our country so far in debt we’re being pitied now by Bolivia and Santo Domingo?

♦ Listening to people who’ve always complained about the “bums on welfare” gloat over getting paid “more money than I was making at my lousy job” to not go back to work. (Of course, these people griped loudest when some of their favorite restaurants and retailers were unable to re-open because of a lack of willing workers.)

♦ Albany is not a megalopolis with huge traffic issues, but I’ll miss those easy 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. drives that were not backed up by commuters all heading from home or to home at the same time. (Which, I know, is quibbling if you live somewhere like Atlanta where a three-mile drive to work could take 45 minutes to two hours each day.)

♦ Not feeling so guilty about giving your last five bucks to someone who’s “just looking for a bite to eat” but refuses your offer to buy him a meal.

♦ Having a built-in excuse. Late for or skipped an appointment? COVID scare. Missed a rent payment? COVID unemployment. Didn’t make it to the planned nerd reunion? COVID gas shortage.

OK, so there are trade-offs, but I’m going to go on the record as preferring an encounter with a street person down on his luck or having to actually wear pants to work over this deadly virus that left so much pain and suffering in its wake. And, please God, only one pandemic in this lifetime. Pretty please?