T GAMBLE: Getting in early on the cremation bust craze

As life goes on, naturally one begins to think more of the final departure. I once wrote about the fact that we, as Americans, don’t like to deal with death. So we say things like, “He’s passed on,” or “kicked the bucket,” or “bit the dust.” Yes, I know, those are very sentimental euphemisms I have offered. Each brings a tear to my eye.

But, you know, for years funerals have become downplayed, and COVID-19 only accelerated this trend. Elaborate funerals are out. Cremations are in. Many now take grandpa home with them after the funeral. No more time-consuming trips to the cemetery and all that jazz. No boring headstones and ornate plaques. Yes, now there is a real tasteful way to remember your loved one.

That’s right, a company called Cremation Solutions has a perfect way to remember the dearly departed. I must first state that I first thought Cremation Solutions might be some type hitman organization offering a “solution” for those unhappy in marriage or business deals or whatever. But, no, they are offering to create an urn made in 3-D in the likeness of your deceased mother or father or brother, or whomever you like I guess.

For $600 you get a small urn, but we all know no one in the South would get a small urn because everyone would whisper about this after visiting. You know, “Did you see that small urn of Harry Walker that Harriet Walker had on her fireplace mantel? You’d think after all he did for her she would at least have a medium-size urn and would have put it in the bedroom instead of on the fireplace mantle beside the picture of Bear Bryant.”

Which by the way, the extra-large premium urn is $2,600. I bet you can add gold trim and angels around the edges and push it up to $4,000 if you really want everyone to know how much you loved Aunt Thelma. Before long, the funeral home director will have you off to the side: “I think Uncle Ray will look best with the mutton chop sideburn picture from 1972 and the pink sports coat. For an extra $800, we can put a button that you push and have him talk to you based upon his last voice mail recording.”

But now I’m thinking I can have my den mantle look like a miniature Mount Rushmore. I can put granddad and grandma in the center, my parents on each side and maybe some of my more prominent family members on the edges, like my great uncle who went to Alcatraz for bank robbery. Now, my parents are still alive, so I may need to discuss this with them, but who could resist a life-like urn of themselves?

Cremation Solutions says you need to provide at least one photograph, and then their 3-D machine will spit out the likeness forever more. I’m thinking for those relatives I didn’t really like too much, and yes there are quite a few, I will give the company a copy of the deceased’s driver’s license photo and have that made into a forever urn likeness. I’ll then put Aunt Thelma in a prominent place, looking like she was just dug up. I’ll probably use my great uncle’s mug shot from Alcatraz for his.

One thing is for sure: You better plan ahead for the big day. I’m picking out my photo right now, and you can bet it’s one that had hair. I want to look like one of those chia pet busts they make every presidential election. Folks will come to my kids’ house, each probably keeping my urn bust six months and rotating, and people will say, “Who in the hell is that?” They’ll say, “Dad back when he had hair before we knew him.” They will then pull out the one they made of me with no hair.

Yep, I can’t wait until the cremation bust craze takes over the South like boiled peanuts and fried chicken. Now there will be one more thing to check out when I visit my friend’s house, after the bathroom medicine cabinet and the hall room closet, of course. Be sure to smile the next time you have a family picture taken. Remember it could become an everlasting photograph.