T GAMBLE: Long live yoga pants … and the things women stuff in them

It is time again for me to write about my favorite subject, yoga pants. Yoga pants did not exist when I was growing up, or if they did, they were only worn when young women met with some guru who crossed his legs and hummed while in a trance. These women were usually hippy types and listened to Joan Baez and Neil Young while wearing flowers in their hair. They were never seen in public in their yoga pants.

But, oh my, the times they are a changing. Yoga pants now can be seen anywhere from grocery stores to fast-food restaurants to church. I even saw a woman wearing yoga pants at a funeral once. On the plus side, they were black. I can see it now: “I did not know Uncle Joe’s funeral was today. I’ll just throw on these yoga pants and nobody much will notice.”

Yoga pants are amazing in that a 120-pound woman can wear them, or a 240-pound woman can wear them, and I mean the same exact pair of yoga pants. If you get a F-150 pickup truck stuck on the side of the road, you can get your spouse or girlfriend, or both, whatever the case may be, to take off their yoga pants and you can tie the pants to the bumper of the truck and another vehicle can pull the truck out with the yoga pants. That’s how tough and stretchable they are. Now you just watch, before long you will pass a truck stuck on the side of the road with a man and his 240-pound wife naked from the waist down as he pulls the truck out of the ditch with her yoga pants.

Remember, you heard it here first.

Now, however, I read where ABC News reported that a Florida man and woman were arrested for collecting striped turtles in Punta Gorde, Fla. They had 41 striped turtles. The limit is one per day. Perhaps they were hunting on a baited field for striped turtles, I’m not sure. The woman was named Ariel Machan-Le Quire, and once they patted her down they discovered she had a 1-foot-long alligator stuffed down the front of her yoga pants. Now I have been unable to completely substantiate this, but I understand Ariel was actually Andrew-Machan Le Quire until about 15 minutes before the cops arrived. That’s when he decided to stuff an alligator down the front of his yoga pants.

You see, yoga pants are very versatile. 120 pounds or 240. Underwear or no underwear. Shirt tied around to cover or no shirt to cover. Alligator in front or no alligator in front. They stretch enough not only to allow the alligator to be put there but also spring back tight enough to hold him there once put there.

I have a teenage daughter, and I know how young boys can be. Maybe Ariel is onto something. Put an alligator in your pants and see how the boy likes it when he tries to go a little too far. I may need to buy some yoga pants and an alligator.

But seriously now, exactly what was Ariel thinking here? “Oh my God, I may get charged with being over the limit for harvesting striped turtles. Federal prison is full of people serving 10 years for such a thing. Add this alligator, and God knows what will happen. I better stuff him in my pants. They’ll never notice him there.”

Well, I wish Ariel much luck … and the alligator. Before long, you may see an infomercial about yoga pants like you see now for Flex Seal. I can guarantee Flex Seal will not contain an alligator, but yoga pants will. Long live the yoga pants and the folks who wear them … and their alligators.