CARLTON FLETCHER: Men, women have different takes on beards

He’s got his arm around every man’s dream And crumbs in his beard from the seafood special.

— Fountains of Wayne

A woman whose wisdom I’ve come to respect after having experienced its power for more than a decade (Hint: It’s my wife) told me once there are three reasons men grow beards. We’ll address those later, but first let’s delve a little into the brotherhood of the whiskers.

Some of the most famous men throughout history have grown beards, from the familiar presidential chin whiskers of Abraham Lincoln and the full beard of Ulysses S. Grant to abolitionist Frederick Douglass to Jeff Bridges’ “The Dude” in “The Big Lebowski” to cartoon gunslinger Yosemite Sam to everyone’s favorite Christmas elf Santa Claus to the No. 1 bearded dude in the history of the world, Jesus.

And there are beard styles to fit all faces: from the stubbled 5 o’clock shadow to the goatee, the soul patch, the mutton chops, the chin curtain, the Fu Manchu, the neckbeard, the Van Dyke.

(Interesting side note No. 1: The world’s record for the longest beard is held by Hans Langseth, whose facial fair grew to a length of 18 feet, 6 inches, which must have made bike riding a real pain.)

Some famous men throughout history — and a few women, but their fame has generally been relegated to circus sideshows — owe some of their familiarity to their beards. Lincoln’s Confederate Civil War nemesis Robert E. Lee had a memorable one, as did father of psychology Sigmund Freud, the yahoos on “Duck Dynasty,” record producer extraordinaire Rick Rubin, pitcher Brian Wilson when he was the bullpen ace of the San Francisco Giants, evil serial killer Charles Manson, the pirates Black-, Red- and Yellowbeard, revolutionary Che Guevera, the world’s greatest writer (next to Stephen King) William Shakespeare.

And let’s not forget songwriting heroes Frank Zappa and Jerry Garcia — and John Lennon and Paul McCartney during the Beatles’ “White Album” era — explorer/conqueror Marco (Polo!), funnyman Zach Galifianakis, WWE superstar Daniel Bryan, the hero of Parks and Rec workers everywhere Nick Offerman, and the triumvirate of Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, Michael J. Fox as Teen Wolf and whoever that guy was who played Chewbacca in “Star Wars.”

(Very interesting side note No. 2: A little sadly, guitarists Billy Gibbons and Dusty Hill of super rock group ZZ Top — “That little band from Texas” — are about as well-known for their eye-catching, chest-level beards as they are for amazing songs such as “Tush,” “Jesus Just Left Chicago,” “Heard It on the X” and “LaGrange.” Guess the name of the band’s clean-cut drummer. … Go ahead, think about it … I’ll wait … Ironically, the name of the whiskerless one in ZZ Top is … drum roll, please … Frank Beard!)

Now, before we address my original statement about the womanly wisdom of my better half, let me offer a guy’s perspective. No matter how vehemently women argue, men will tell you they have their own three reasons for growing beards: They believe a good set of whiskers makes them look more virile, more manly (Ignore this if you’re a George Michael fan … the ex-Wham! singer had the best-groomed 5 o’clock shadow ever, and manliness didn’t turn out to be his strongest asset.), they think they somehow look cooler, more mysterious and even more intelligent by hiding the flaws of their lower face with hair and — this one is easily No. 1 on the list — they grow beards because they can!

Yep, we might find ourselves bested at every turn by members of the estrogen set, but by George (not Michael) we can grow a beard when most women can’t. (See circus sideshow reference above.)

Women, though, have a different take on men and their whiskers. Their rationale:

1. Men grow beards to try and fool women into thinking they’re more “manly” and to distract from character flaws such as their fear of spiders, their vanity and their inability to change a flat tire. (Along the same line, women also — sometimes cruelly — say men grow hair on the bottom of their faces to take attention away from the fact they can’t grow much on the top. Ooooh!)

Reason No. 1 has its validity.

1. Men grow beards because they’re cheap.

OK, you have us there. Last year, for the first time in quite a while, the shaving products industry saw a decline in overall spending, down to only $2.3 billion a year. Even with the $1 a month Dollar Shave Club (which made $60 million in 2014) available, a lot of men don’t want to dish out their declining expendable income on razors.

1. Men grow beards because they’re too darned lazy to shave every day.

OK, nailed it.