CARLTON FLETCHER: Top 10 words, phrases we can do without on TV

I know it’s true, oh so true, ‘cause I saw it on TV.

— John Fogerty

I’m a fan of grittier TV fare. It probably started with “Hill Street Blues” and “M*ASH,” but I have developed an appreciation for less family-friendly programming.

I believe the best TV show ever is “The Wire,” and it doesn’t get any grittier than that. Even my favorite comedy — my No. 2 on the best-show-ever list, “Seinfeld” — stretched the boundaries of what was acceptable on network TV. (Couched frequently in the laugh-out-loud humor were topics that just weren’t typically plotlines in prime-time TV … shrinkage? … a “self-control” contest? … anti-Semitism (complete with “anti-dentites”)? … friendship with benefits?)

It was probably because shows like “The Wire,” “Seinfeld,” “The Sopranos,” “Dallas,” “Sex in the City” and “Dynasty” became so popular that TV censorship evolved from protection of perceived family values to pretty much anything goes. I remember when the words “damn” or “hell” spoken in anger during a dramatic scene would elicit gasps of disbelief from TV audiences.

I also remember that “always have at least one foot on the floor” bedroom-scene rule that might have been an urban legend but was considered a surefire way to keep anything too untoward in the realm of hanky-panky off the screen.

Boy, have those times changed.

Since I have acknowledged that my small-screen favorites tend toward life’s seamier side, what follows could be construed as hypocritical. (I’m hoping readers will lean more toward adjectives like “complex,” “edgy” or “complicated,” but I expect “hypocrite” will be more popular. That’s OK, I’ve been called a lot worst … in the last few days … by members of my family.)

An unfortunate byproduct of the newfound artistic freedoms that TV now enjoys — that infamous Super Bowl “wardrobe malfunction” featuring Janet Jackson, Justin Timberlake and a part of Michael’s little sister that is supposed to stay mostly covered now a distant memory — is a rash of advertisements for products that in the past were deemed too squeamish for viewers’ eyes and ears. There’s nothing like sitting down with the kids to watch a family-appropriate TV show and having ads for yeast infection treatments, feminine hygiene products and male performance cures catch you unawares.

Who among us hasn’t had to think quickly to come up with answers for “Mom, Dad, what’s that?” (My go-to answer, by the way, is, “Go ask your mom.” If she’s in the room, it’s “Who wants ice cream?!”)

With those tidbits in mind, here are my 10 words and phrases I least want to hear on TV:

1. Diarrhea — When did this become something, if we’re to believe TV commercials, that people sit around and chat about? “So, Bob, you about done with that watery diarrhea?”
2. Erectile Dysfunction — Two folks of a certain age sitting, fully clothed, in a bathtub does not detract enough to lessen the level of discomfort from this type ad. (And, yes, we know, as every comedian alive has pointed out, if you last past four hours, you’ll be bragging about it, not calling a doctor.)
3. Period — At the end of a declarative sentence, cool. A bodily function, ummm … not so much. Didn’t that shower scene in “Carrie” do enough damage?
4. Victoria’s Secret — The difficult thing about this company’s ad campaign, especially now that HD is so common, is trying to keep a straight face while discussing the design, color and fabric choice of the products their models are wearing. You might say, “Yes, that’s a nice shade of green,” but in your mind it’s, “Green? What’s green?”
5. Constipation — If there’s a toilet involved in the conversation and no little man in a tiny boat floating around in the tank, count me out.
6. Side effects — As my 13-year-old points out: “Why would you take something that does all that to you?”
7. Lubrication — If we’re not talking about Pep Boys with scenes from a manly garage, it’s a no-go with me.
8. Minions — OK, the movies are cute, and those little yellow mumbling Twinkies are adorable. But now that they’re spokescreatures for fast-food restaurants, candy, softdrinks and sporting events … too much.
9. Election — It’s coming, folks. The campaign attack ads, counter-attack ads, unkeepable promises and outright scumbaggery is just around the corner. Oh, and guess what? Every candidate approved their message. Sheesh. (Could we label this electile dysfunction?)

Maybe worst of all … No. 10. Anything to do with a Kardashian or Jenner: These clownish clans’ 15 minutes should have expired three idiotic cable reality shows ago.

Email Carlton Fletcher at [email protected]. Follow @ABH_Fletcher on Twitter.