CREEDE HINSHAW: Signs that summer’s reached the church pews

You know it’s the dog days of summer in the religious community when:

Church pews are a little bit emptier, making it easier than any other season to find a seat on the last few rows …

Offering plates are a little bit emptier, too, producing anxiety for pastors, deacons, and financial secretaries …

Sunday School classes get consolidated out of necessity and suddenly 1st- and 6th-graders find themselves in the same room in an updated version of the one-room school …

Preacher is on vacation, sometimes to the delight of the congregation, other times to their dismay …

Bible school teachers lament that they didn’t plan Vacation Bible School during the cooler month of June …

Youth groups are departing or returning from mission trips to Central America, the desert Southwest or down the street in their own city …

Youth choirs are on tour, inflicting other long-suffering churches with youth concerts …

The pastor preaches endless sermon series on biblical flowers, the armament of a Christian or the secrets to a satisfying marriage and a happy family …

Despite the injunction not to covet, the most desirable parking spots in the church lot are the ones where a shade tree will fall upon the worshiper’s car at noon …

Suits, sport coats and ties are less to be seen; backless dresses are more present …

Unwitting church members are pressed into service at the last moment to be ushers, Sunday School teachers, sound technicians and liturgists …

The church kitchen is cluttered with various parts of ice cream churns left behind from the annual ice cream social …

Watermelon seeds dot the parking lot and church lawn from the annual watermelon cutting and seed-spitting contest …

Pastors resort to any number of usually unsuccessful, time-worn ploys to encourage church members to pay their pledges when they go on vacation …

Antiquated church air-conditioning systems wheeze their last, always on a Sunday morning at approximately 8 a.m., when no service technician can be found for any amount of money …

Funeral home fans, thought to be found only in museums, somehow turn up in church pews …

Church choirs take part or all of the summer off, creating a side effect whereby congregants realize how woefully they sing without the choir …

Church musicians, like everybody else, schedule summer vacations …

Very hard to find interim church organists and pianists are pressed into service, often resulting in the congregation eagerly awaiting the return of the regular musician …

Some parishioners attend church while at the lake, mountains or seashore, but the majority understands that the concept of vacation includes a complete holiday from Sunday worship …

Tire dealers and auto mechanics do a brisk trade in the church bus and van business because these ecclesial vehicles are used more often in the summer and preventive maintenance on church vehicles is sometimes spotty …

Churches discover that they can operate just as well, or maybe even better, without so many summer committee meetings.

Creede Hinshaw of Macon is a retired Methodist minister.