MANDY FLYNN: Dog rules the roost with Jedi mind tricks

“It does not matter how long you sit there and stare at me, I’m not going to give you my sandwich.”

“I’m serious. You can sit there all day.”

“Would you please quit staring at me?”

“Stop it.”

“Oh, go ahead. Take my sandwich. I don’t want it anyway.”

My dog can do Jedi mind tricks and I don’t like it.

Being someone who never really paid much attention to Star Wars the previous 792 times it has been on television at our house, I hadn’t noticed the cool thing Obi-Wan did as he and Luke are trying to get past the Stormtrooper with R2-D2 and C-3PO, the two droids. Until the 793rd time it was on at our house a few weeks ago.

Stormtrooper to Luke: Let me see your identification.

Obi-Wan to Stormtrooper: [with a small wave of his hand] You don’t need to see his identification.

Stormtrooper: We don’t need to see his identification.

Obi-Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.

Stormtrooper: These aren’t the droids we’re looking for.

Obi-Wan: He can go about his business.

Stormtrooper: You can go about your business.

Obi-Wan: Move along.

Stormtrooper: Move along…

“What did he just do?” I asked my husband as he watched Star Wars for the 793rd time, and that’s when I learned that Obi Wan had just performed a Jedi Mind Trick on the Stormtrooper. He had controlled the trooper’s mind, making him do exactly what he wanted him to do.

“So he made that big white plastic looking thing with the gun think that Luke and the robots weren’t who he was looking for?” I asked him. You would have thought I’d killed somebody.

“That big white plastic looking thing with a gun is called a Stormtrooper and those are not robots, they’re droids. There is a difference.” What was that? A look as though he couldn’t believe he’d actually married me?

So I don’t know that much about Star Wars. Little does he know, though, I’ve been using these so-called Jedi Mind Tricks on him for years.

I did just a few weeks ago.

“You don’t want to wear that shirt with those pants,” I said as he pulled out a khaki shirt and khaki pants. “You will look like you’re wearing Garanimals.”

“But I like this shirt.”

“You don’t want to wear that shirt,” I said.

“I won’t wear this shirt,” he said. And he put it back in the closet. See. Jedi Mind Trick.

“I’m taking your car,” he said another day. An hour later.

“I can’t believe you let me take your car and there was practically no gas in it. I had to put gas in it for you.” I smile.

See. Jedi Mind Trick. Okay, so technically that wasn’t a Jedi Mind Trick.

There are times when the Jedi Mind Trick doesn’t work, like now during March Madness when basketball is on nonstop and every television in the house is turned to some game somewhere. No matter how hard I try to get him to change the channel, I can’t. My powers are useless. So I spend my time hanging out with the dogs, the only other breathing creatures in the house who aren’t paying attention to the games. They run around the yard. They sleep. They stare at me.

“Stop staring at me.”

“I’m serious, no matter how long you stare at me you’re not getting my pork chop.”

“You can sit there all day…”

“Oh, go ahead. Take it.”

I’m getting a robot. Or a droid. Whichever one won’t eat my food.

Email columnist mandy Flynn at [email protected].