MARY BRASWELL: Looking Back, March 30, 2014

Each week Albany Herald researcher Mary Braswell looks for interesting events, places and people from the past. You can contact her at (229) 888-9371 or [email protected].

The following social laws were taken from an 1895 American publication covering everything from conversation to mourning. Here is a look back at what was then considered ‘proper’ behavior.

General demeanor

— The surest signs of high-breeding in men are kindness, mercifulness and gentleness.

— A man should always be chivalrous toward women. A certain dignity should be preserved yet a gentleman must be pliant, confident, frank and manly.

— Self respect, and respect for others, is indicated by the manner and deportment of not just men but women also.

— Be polite to your own and other people’s servants. Haughtiness will not increase their respect for you.

— Let it be a cardinal rule to never enter society without the assured feeling that you are in the humor to make yourself agreeable.

— When your prejudices or opinions annoy, pain or embarrass others, it is good breeding to give way. Temper manner and language as to remove all embarrassment.

— When addressing an elderly person, speak gently, lowering your voice to a degree of kindness and respect that is unmistakable.

Calling (visiting) and cards

— Care should be taken and taste exercised in the selection and design of cards, as the recipient generally will judge the character of whose name the tiny bit of pasteboard bears, by its texture and appropriateness.

— Colored or tinted cards should never be used; bevel-edged, gilt, or any fancy design are in very bad taste for visiting cards.

— Cards should be engraved. A written card is passable but, not correct.

— The prefix “Miss” must always be placed on a single lady’s card; not to do so is vulgar.

— A married lady should always use the Christian name of her husband on her card.

— A gentleman’s visiting card is smaller than a lady’s.

— Cards may be sent by post immediately upon return from an extended absence. The rule of “All cards must be left in person” is an obsolete one.

— When inquiring after friends during an illness, a card must be left in person.

— A lady must only leave cards for other ladies. A man should leave one for the lady and one for the man of the household.

— Morning calls should not be of longer duration than 15 minutes. Only intimate friends should call before 1:00 p.m. From 3 p.m. to 4 p.m is the ceremonious hour of calling. From 4 p.m to 5 p.m. is the semi-ceremonious hour of calling. From 5 p.m. to 6 p.m. is the friendly time to call without ceremony.

Introductions

— If, upon introduction, either the man or the lady does not catch the name, it is best to ask at once, “I beg your pardon, I did not hear the name.”

— Always bow in return to a salute. It is a great breach of politeness not to do so.

— Mere acquaintances should not kiss when they meet. Cultured people do not practice kissing, other than their relations and deepest friends. To do so is vulgar and a sure sign of ill-breeding.

— The gentleman must always be introduced to the lady.

— A gentleman must always bring his hat and cane into the drawing room. He must hold them gracefully in his left hand leaving his right hand free to shake hands with the hostess should she offer to do so.

— It is courteous to say upon introduction, “I am happy to make your acquaintance.” If the person is your superior, say “It gives me pleasure to have the honor of your acquaintance.”

Conversation

— Be as choice in your language when at home as when visiting, it will then become a habit. Be careful to speak in a grammatically correct fashion.

— Parents should speak properly to their children from the earliest infancy. Talk to them in a language they can understand but let it be pure and refined.

— To be a good listener is a delicate flattery to the person talking and will not fail to recommend you.

— Never converse on a subject with which you are not acquainted. When you find yourself in the midst of a subject to which you are not equal, listen and if appealed to, frankly admit your ignorance. Never say, “yes,yes” to anything of which you know nothing.

— Never attempt to display your own knowledge as to make the ignorance of others more glaring.

— Never attempt conversation when music or singing is in progress.

Dinner and more

— Always take soup. If you do not desire to eat it, toy with it until the second course is brought in.

— Never remove your knife and folk from the plate when you send it away for anything. When you are finished, place them together on one side of the plate.

— Wine should be drunk sparingly. Should anyone present disapprove of it altogether, he or she should not express their condemnation.

— A lady or gentleman must never refuse tea but never accept a second cup.

— At a ball, the hostess receives her guests either at the head of the staircase or at the ballroom door. She is to shake hands with each in the order of their arrival.

— From half-past ten to 11 p.m is the usual time for dinner guests to take their leave. At a ball, guests do not bid their hostess good-bye. They quietly withdraw.

— Ladies and gentlemen in mourning do not attend balls.

— Mourning is worn six months for brother or sister. Parents wear mourning for their children as long as they feel so disposed.

— A widow should wear mourning for two years. She is not to return to society for 12 months.

— If asked to sing do not affect to refuse, but accede at once.

— Do not occupy too much time at the piano, no matter how fine a performer you may be. Others may wish to perform also.

QUIK QUIZ ANSWER

c) The bereaved is ready to accept visitors.