T. GAMBLE: Oscar selections are a Wales of a mess

I see where the Academy Awards have once again awarded best actor and best picture to some film, and to some folks, I’ve never heard of.

Any red-blooded American male knows that “American Sniper” should have won best picture and Bradley Cooper should have won best actor. This outrage has been ongoing since at least 1977, when “The Outlaw Josey Wales” not only did not win best picture and Clint Eastwood not only did not win best actor, but neither even got nominated. Anyone who completed at least third grade English should have amassed enough culture to recognize the artistic merits of “The Outlaw Josey Wales.”

As soon as Clint Eastwood told the red-leg Union soldiers, “Are you going to whistle ‘Dixie’ or draw those pistols,” I thought the Oscar was cinched. Then, he told the bounty hunter, “Dying ain’t much of a way to make a living, son.” I mean F. Scott Fitzgerald could not write such beautiful prose. I almost wept uncontrollably when he killed the hillbilly bounty hunters, left them for dead, and his young boy side kick asked, “Aren’t we at least going to bury ‘em, Josey?” And he replied, “To hell with them folks, buzzard gotta eat same as the worm.” What more could these folks want. They should have just cancelled the award show and given the trophy to Clint Eastwood on the first day the picture was released.

But no.

In another example, the sissified Academy Awards decide to award the best picture to “Shakespeare in Love” instead of “Saving Private Ryan.”

I’ve seen wars started for less outrageous reasons. Let’s see, do we give it to the movie about America saving the entire free world from Nazis or the one about a guy who writes plays? Oh, brother, please spare me.

It is time we band together and form The South Georgia Academy of Arts Awards. As refined as most of my friends’ tastes are, we should be able to award the truly deserving films and forget about whiny films like “The Hurt Locker” that only the producer and Jane Fonda ever saw.

We need a few ironclad rules to ensure my buddies don’t stray too far off true artistic worthiness. First, no film with a body count of less than 10 will be considered. Second female nudity will at least get consideration, but male nudity an immediate strike from the list. Third, any movie that has a male character getting in touch with his inner feminine side shall be banned for life, along with the director. Fourth, any movie with The Rock as a star will not be considered. Finally, sequels, no matter how good, like “Rocky II,” will not qualify unless, of course, they come up with “Outlaw Josey Wales II.”

I am not sure The South Georgia Academy will work, but I’m pretty sure we need a change. While the real Academy is on, I’m watching Josey for the 88th time.

Email columnist T. Gamble at [email protected].