T. GAMBLE: This year, I resolve to not …

The new year is upon us and, although I am not a big new year’s resolution type person, mainly because I have never kept a single one in my entire life, I have resolved this year a few things that I will not do in the coming year.

It is easier to not do something than it is to do something. If you do not believe this maxim, then study my life history, which is filled with things I did not do. Of course, there are things I probably need to be doing like eating less, drinking less, exercising more, watching TV less, etc., but, hey, I plan on enjoying 2015 as best as I can, so those things are off the table.

I will not in 2015 fly anywhere near Indonesia and if I find for some reason that I must fly near Indonesia — which is highly unlikely but let’s say next year Auburn plays in the GPS Indonesian Bowl — I will be wearing an ankle monitoring bracelet like folks on parole have to wear.

If I am to die in a plane crash, I at least want my family to have to ship my body back home so everyone can come to my funeral and say how I will never be forgotten and then 10 years later say, “T who? Oh, yeah, I think I remember him.”

Plus, I want to see if my preacher can lie with a straight face as he says what a fine fellow I was or, if he tells the truth, it should be one of the shortest funerals of the year.

I will not get excited about college football and fool myself into believing Auburn will play for the National Championship. Georgia fans, feel free to insert yourselves here if you wish. I don’t care if we sign Aaron Rodgers as our newest quarterback and open the season by beating Clemson 100 to 0, this year I will yawn and wait for us to collapse against Georgia, or LSU, or maybe just get all of our players arrested.

I also will not, under any circumstance, become an Alabama fan. Winning national titles every year or two takes all the fun out of rooting for your team. I much prefer winning a title every 50 years, which makes it much more gratifying and also pretty much assures me I won’t be around for our next one.

I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. I also will not vote for Mike Huckabee, Marco Rubio, Chris Christie, Joe Biden or 2,000 other potential presidential candidates because, well, they aren’t running in 2015. But it still feels good to know I don’t have to worry about that in 2015.

I will not announce I am gay or decide to become a transgender person, unless it will mean I get better tickets to next year’s Super Bowl or a presidential appointment to the Supreme Court. Under those circumstances, I can compromise my status.

I would be quite comfortable as America’s first transgender Supreme Court justice and have picked out a lovely fitted pink outfit for the swearing-in occasion, should it occur. Until then, however, I will be dressed in blue jeans, a t-shirt and two days’ beard growth.

I will not eat organic food again for the 55th consecutive year. I will allow others the joy of paying $8.50 for an apple or $10 a pound for pecans because they are free from whatever it is the person who will pay such a price for those things thinks they are free of. I will continue to consume large quantities of various foods that contain ingredients that begin with monoglu…, polysaturated…, etc.

As a precaution, I have already pre-booked a heart catheterization for later this year.

I will not wear my seat belt while driving at least once and Ticket or Click It can stick it. I usually wear one because I think it makes sense, but I don’t need the law to tell me I have to.

I’ll also roar down the highway at high speeds at least once this year on a motorcycle and I will not be wearing a helmet. I want to feel the wind run through my hair. Well, in my case, feel the wind run through my head, but you get the picture.

I will not watch a single commercial where dogs are peering through cages, seeming to cry, as an announcer describes the horrors of animal abuse. I refuse to be guilted into donating another house payment so they can use the money to make another commercial.

I’m beginning to feel pretty good about this coming year and all the things I will not do. Looks like my sixth-grade teacher’s prediction that I will never do anything and never amount to anything just might finally come true.

Email columnist T. Gamble at [email protected].