SCOTT LUDWIG: An easy ‘W’ (a college football satire)

This Saturday, it may only be Homewood, Ala.’s Samford University – with an enrollment in the neighborhood of 5,000 – squaring off with Gainesville, Fla.’s University of Florida – with an enrollment almost 10 times as large. But what matters is that both football teams will have 11 players on the field Saturday as they square off in Ben Hill Griffin Stadium.

On paper, it looks like an easy win for the hometown Gators. But to borrow a famous football analyst’s catchphrase that has been worn out for more than a decade: not so fast, my friend.

Let’s not forget what happened eight years ago this month.

Jeremy Foley sure hasn’t. And the following letter ensures he never will.

April 10, 2008

To: Athletic Director, Georgia Southern University

Dear Sir (or Madam),

I apologize in advance for not knowing your name/gender, nor having the time to check if Google had the information. But to be totally honest, I’ve been crazy busy lately.

Let me begin by introducing myself. My name is Jeremy Foley, and I am the Athletic Director for the University of Florida. I trust you’ve heard of me, now that our football team has won two of the past three National Championships, and our basketball team recently won two of them in a row. Actually, there was even a time when my teams held both the football and basketball titles at the same time. Did I say “my” teams? I, of course meant “our” teams; after all, there’s no I in team. Am I right or am I right? Besides I couldn’t have done it without the help of Urban Meyer or Billy Donovan. Did I say I again? I meant we, but you know what I mean. However, if you don’t know what I mean, I’ll have to ask you to pay closer attention as I don’t have the time to keep explaining things to you. I might have already mentioned I’m a very busy man.

Let me get back to the reason I’m writing. It so happens we have an opening in our football schedule for 2013: Nov. 23, to be exact. As we will be closing out our season the following Saturday against Florida State, we are looking for an opponent that would be a worthy opponent — for at least a quarter or so — to give some of our seniors who’ve never gotten off the bench the opportunity to get in a few snaps of Division I football before they graduate. We’ll do our level best to keep the score respectable; somewhere in the neighborhood of 45-6, I’m thinking, give or take a touchdown or two (ours, not yours). Doesn’t that seem fair? I happen to think it is, and I’m paid a lot of money to think things like that, so I have to assume I’m right.

We would like to extend that offer to Georgia Southern. It would be a great opportunity for your university to get exposure to big-time college football, for you to rub elbows with people like me, and for your players to rub shoulder pads with some prime-time college football players. In return, the University of Florida would be willing to pay your institution the tidy sum of $500,000. According to what our University CFO told me, that’s close to half a million dollars — about what I earn in six months — so just think: You’ll get that for simply playing three hours of football in the Swamp. You certainly don’t have a chance of winning the game, of course, but let me repeat: You’ll be playing in the Swamp! Against the Florida Gators!

I’d also be willing to give you a tour of the Heavener Football Complex, where you’ll be able to see the many championships, awards, and honors bestowed upon our athletic program over the years. Included in the tour will be the first public display of the “Midas Touch Award,” of which I am the first recipient – and no, it’s not because I’m the highest-paid Athletic Director in collegiate athletics. One night a couple weeks ago, just after our football team won the National Championship for the second time in three years, in case I haven’t mentioned that already, my wife and I were at home watching DVDs of the second season of “Dharma and Greg” (that Dharma is so wacky). I was drinking a glass of milk and my wife was polishing my teeth — Have I mentioned my ivory collection rivals those of Gary Busey, John Elway, and the famous talking horse, Mister Ed? Well, it does. — when suddenly Molly mentioned everything I touched turned to gold. From that simple observation, the “Midas Touch Award” was born. (Molly also came up with ivory collection. That Molly can be so wacky at times, it makes me want to call her Dharma.)

I hope to hear back from you soon, sir/madam. If I’m not mistaken, I can literally feel your excitement as you’re reading this letter. Let me be the first to say: You’re very welcome. It has been my – no, our — pleasure.

Remember: While it may not be much more than an exhibition game for the University of Florida, I know that it has the potential of being so much more for Georgia Southern University.

With the warmest of regards, I am the one and only,

Jeremy Foley

Athletic Director

Inaugural Recipient, Midas Touch Award

University of Florida

Gainesville, Florida

November 23, 2013

Final Score: Georgia Southern 26, Florida 20