T GAMBLE: Connecticut man shelters in his own unique way

I knew this home quarantined stuff would eventually take a toll on the American psyche. We are a free-loving people. We fought wars so we can overeat at Pizza Hut and buy doughnuts at Krispy Crème. Thousands of people have had their gyms closed and don’t know it. There are suddenly tens of thousands of little grey-haired ladies. Life indeed has been altered.

On the positive side, not a single person has fallen asleep at our preacher’s Sunday-morning service in over a month, a new record. Now they may have still been in bed, but they did not fall asleep at church. I don’t know how I really feel about no church services. We pray for help but abandon worship. I have a feeling Satan is liking this arrangement pretty well. When it finally does start back up, I’m not going to the Baptist church because I know it will get to noon and the preacher will say, “I know it is getting past 12, but the Lord does not have a time limit when the Holy Spirit comes calling.” No, but the Back Porch does, and there will not be any chicken breasts left if we get there at 1 p.m. So I will ease into the return to church.

But Fox News does report that one New Haven, Conn., man is weathering the restrictions quite nicely. It appears 42-year-old Angel Ortiz broke into the Soul de Cuba Café’ on April 14 as it was closed due to the virus, and I suppose, it is non-essential. Now most folks burglarize a place and high tail it out of town. But Ortiz is a man after my heart. He stayed in the restaurant for four days. I guess he likes Cuban food, and that is kinda hard to find at the Piggly Wiggly, just saying. Once inside, he gorged himself with food, booze and beer. Police report they reviewed tapes and discovered he drank, or stole, 70 bottles of liquor. Let me say that again, he drank or stole 70 bottles of liquor. I must first go on the record and state I do not think I personally know Mr. Ortiz. Now he possibly could have been my college roommate for a year or two, as that time period is a bit fizzy, but I doubt I could have afforded him.

I’m not sure who is investigating this case for the police, but I don’t think I want to hire them for anything I have going on. I trust Mr. Ortiz enjoys a drink or two … or 10. But 70 bottles of liquor is hitting it hard even for John Daley. Maybe they were those little half-pint bottles or maybe even the little airport miniatures. Who knows? All I know is they think Angel drank them all in four days. Fox News posted a mug shot of Angel with a sheepish grin on his face. If I was the restaurant, I’d use the photo in advertisements and say “Soul de Café’, so good you’ll stay the night … or maybe the week.”

Poor Angel may find the visit was a little bit costly, as he is charged with burglary and larceny as well as criminal mischief. I’m pulling for him. It’s just plain tough to stay home four weekends in a row.