T GAMBLE: Forced to watch Lawrence Welk? You may be entitled to compensation

I saw where the Emmys had the lowest ratings they have ever had this past week. Only a few years ago, 17 million people watched the show. And now it is down to a little over 6 million. Many believe the decrease is due to how much the show is now politicized, and I’m sure that is a factor. But it also just plain is not funny anymore. The show used to have an emcee that told pretty funny jokes and kept you entertained. Now it consists of cruel attacks and mindless humor.

I remember as a kid watching Bob Hope. He emceed all types of programs and had all types of specials, plus he entertained the troops with the USO. I guess now if you entertain the troops overseas, you are considered a bad person and not allowed to be on “The View.” Bob was actually quick-witted and funny. I never heard him tell a joke with a cuss word in it. He never used sexual humor, or at least none that spoke in crude terms.

My Grandfather Jones loved Red Skelton. I’d rather slam my head in a car door than watch Skelton, as I don’t really appreciate slapstick humor very much and Skelton always got tickled at his own jokes and couldn’t make it through them without laughing. I guess that it why my grandfather loved him. Because my grandfather could never tell a joke he liked because he would end up crying- laughing trying to tell it and leave you guessing what the punch line was, which usually was a good thing because they mostly weren’t really funny to begin with.

One year I bought him a laugh box for Christmas. It was just a recording of a man laughing hysterically again and again. He would play it over and over and cry laughing. My grandmother had to take it away from him because he would wake up at 3 a.m., play the laugh box and laugh and laugh in the bed. I don’t think she found all that particularly funny.

As bad as Skelton was, it paled in comparison to Lawrence Welk. Satan created Lawrence Welk to torture 8-year-old boys. He’d go “a one and a two” and I would nearly go into convulsions. They’d bring out the waltzing girls, and I would rather have faced an army of dragons than watch them twirl around. My grandfather loved the show, and complete silence was required while it was on. I keep thinking before long I will see one of those lawyer, “if you’ve been injured” type commercials similar to the Boy Scouts ones concerning Lawrence Welk.

I can hear it now. “Were you forced to watch Lawrence Welk as a boy? Was absolute silence required? You may be entitled to compensation. The producers of the Welk show knew forced viewing by 8-year-old boys would cause severe psychological damage, but did nothing. Internal records show they covered this up, even after finding out Charles Manson and Jeffery Dahmer both were forced to watch Lawrence Welk as boys. Contact us now; you may be entitled to substantial compensation.”

That’s all I have to say about that. Now the trauma of watching “Little House On the Prairie” or “The Waltons” may be next. But as for now, can’t we find somebody funny so I can watch TV again?