T. GAMBLE: Latest California cancer scare goes too far

I guess everyone around where I live already knows that most of California is stark raving mad. California loves to pass laws about just about anything, and if it involves the environment, watch out.

I’m always impressed because they do things like cut down all the old growth redwood forests, make a bunch of folks filthy rich, then pass a law that says you can’t cut down any old growth redwood trees. They ban plastic bags at all grocery stores to save the environment but drink their water only from plastic bottles, of which they drink eight or 10 bottles worth a day.

Now they could drink the water in a reusable paper cup from the faucet but, oh no, that would involve cancer-causing stuff like chlorine. Instead they drink bottled water made from the municipal water source of a city away from where they live that, of course, chlorinates its water.

California especially loves to warn people about cancer-causing stuff. Yep, sodas cause cancer. Cigarettes cause cancer. Roundup causes cancer, which, if that is true, I may as well head to M.D. Anderson right now. They plaster the warnings everywhere and anywhere, and it has about as much effect as me warning a 16-year-old not to drive fast.

But, I think they may have finally reached a point where even Californians will say enough is enough. A California judge has now ruled, based on California law, that all stores that sell coffee must post prominently a warning that coffee causes cancer.

Starbucks immediately went into convulsions. The bastion of liberal philosophy that will only do that which is good for society, or makes them another 6 billion dollars, must now admit they are killing their customers by encouraging them to drink coffee and causing them to be addicted. Lawsuits cannot be far behind.

Surely Starbucks has known for quite some time that coffee causes cancer and they know it is incredibly addictive. Every cancer victim that drinks coffee should be able to sue, just like the tobacco suits, and recover gobs of money.

But Californians say wait a minute we have a right to drink our coffee and get cancer because, well, because it is just so dad-gum good and nobody would get to work before 10 a.m. if we didn’t. If coffee is banned, divorce rates will skyrocket because we all know mama can’t function until she’s had her cup of coffee. Fistfights would break out on the subway and people would be too tired to even post a picture of their 10-year-old winning third-place in a three-man foot race.

Bars would close as patrons fell asleep by 9. “Late Night With Jimmy Kimmel” would be cancelled. Police would have nothing to do on the late shift. Lawyers would go broke if McDonald’s quit selling scalding hot coffee.

I tell you, the world is not ready for this new warning. You see, California always starts off by warning but then moves to banning. Yep, you heard it here first. Better move while you can from California. Before long you’ll be buying coffee in a back alley from some dude named Eightball.

What the hell, I figure California would be better off to just post a warning in every store: “Warning, life causes cancer.”

Email T. Gamble at [email protected].