T GAMBLE: Longing for the days when corporations’ only ’cause’ was making money

I tell you, I long for the day when every single element of American life was not influenced by politics and/or political correctness. I especially hate all the corporations that seem to be in a competition to prove which one is the most environmentally concerned, or concerned about the homeless, or violence against women, or poverty or whatever in the world they can claim. Don’t get me wrong, I think everybody would agree all those things are bad and should be corrected. But since when did a corporation give a rats you-know-what about all that?

Yep, once upon a time a corporation existed to do one thing: make money. Cigarette companies sold cigarettes, and they didn’t care about the environment or you. They told you Winston tastes good like a cigarette should. Baseball players advertised the dad-gum things by smoking in the dugout.

Beer commercials and liquor advertisements urge you to drink responsibly. Anheuser Busch was not built upon responsible beer-drinkers who have one beer before bedtime. It was built on the backs of the hard-core, 12-pack-a-night drinker, and they know it.

But now, oh my, they want you to know how concerned they are about everything under the sun.

One sock company says they will give the homeless one pair of socks for every pair of socks you buy. You know what that means? You just paid twice what you should have for a pair of socks. If they didn’t give a pair away each time you bought a pair, they could sell them for half price, probably even less than that because they also have to ship the other pair, get it to the homeless place, etc. Listen, I’ll give to whatever charity I choose, but I don’t want to pay double for socks so you can claim to be donating large amounts to the homeless when in fact it is me donating to the homeless by paying twice as much as I should be.

Worse than the sock folks is the new toilet paper commercials. First of all, toilet paper commercials, and related toiletry commercials, have gotten out of control. One now has a girl on the toilet proclaiming she is the first to poop on TV. Well, my, my, my, that will make a father proud. “Your daughter may have been promoted at work, but my daughter is the first to poop on TV.” We’ve come a long way, and I’m not sure but maybe we should find a reverse gear somewhere.

But Quilted Northern toilet paper company now proclaims it will plant three trees for every package of toilet paper it sells, three for every one tree used. Before long, we will be covered in trees from sea to shining sea. My household has already probably planted enough trees to cover Oklahoma. The Huddle House and Taco Bell could cause there to be no more farmland left if this 3-for-1 pledge continues.

Finally, I now see this commercial played about 20 times a day from an advocacy group concerned about people who have been charged with a crime. They have this young adult say he has had troubles, even been convicted of some crimes, but he is not a criminal. Say what? I have been convicted of some crimes, but I am not a criminal? Exactly what is a criminal if it is not someone who commits crime?

The dictionary says a criminal is “someone who has committed a crime.” Truly, I don’t know. But I do know corporations are now concerned about whales, global warming, pollution, racism, LGBT rights, abortion, and every other social cause under the sun. Problem is it is my money they are using to promote whatever they want to do as they don’t really have any money except what the consumer pays them.

My pledge is I’ll donate to who I want, and why don’t y’all stick to trying to make money. And for good measure, I will not be pooping in public. Well, at least not on purpose.