T. GAMBLE: That old Lake County, Fla., Christmas spirit

The Christmas season is, of course, upon us. And it is time to celebrate with long-held traditions. Unless you live in Florida … Lake County, Florida, to be exact.

It appears Mr. Richard Atchison has had enough of the traditional Christmas celebrations. This week he got into a marital dispute with his wife. I am sure that is not unique to Lake County, Florida. He was initially angry because his wife asked him to help make dinner. I can certainly understand why that might set a man off. The nerve of a woman to ask a man to assist in cooking.

Soon the disagreement spilled over into the kitchen sink, where Richard reported his wife took things too far by splashing him with dirty sink water. This action, according to Richard, caused him to “lose his temper.”

So Richard packed his things and went outside to his vehicle. I’m with Richard. Enough is enough. First you want me to cook dinner, and then you go and splash me with sink water. Dirty sink water at that. No marriage can be expected to survive such a double indignity.

The plan, I think, was to leave to parts unknown and leave all this hatred behind. But Richard just had to go back inside one last time. I don’t know why, but all good argument stories always involve deciding to go back inside one last time. Richard explained he went back inside because “I had been drinking.”

Well, there you have it. The final piece to the puzzle. “I had been drinking.” I may have that phrase carved on my tombstone. When a man is drinking, he must go back inside one more time and have one last word. I think it is written in the Constitution, “A drunk man must have the last word.”

Thus, ill-advised as it was, Richard stormed back in like the soldiers at Normandy. His wife responded by attempting to leave. Women, for reasons unknown to me, tend to flee from last-word drunks.

Richard knew a man cannot have the last word unless he makes sure the woman remains to hear the last word. Desperate times call for desperate measures, so Richard picked up the fully decorated Christmas tree and threw it like a spear at his fleeing wife. Reports say, if nothing else, he has a good arm, as he struck her with the tree.

There go the heirloom ornaments. He then blocked her from leaving. I think he may have had the last word, but it is hard to tell as he is currently in the Lake County jail with an $8,000 bail for assault.

I suggest the family scrape up the $8,000 and bail Richard out. We all make mistakes. The tree was probably one of those you have to turn one side to the wall because it had a hole in it anyway. There is still time to buy a new tree, new decorations, and maybe Richard now has a newfound affection for cooking. Who knows? It is Christmas, and miracles do happen.

By the way, the name of the trailer park where this happened (y’all did know this was a trailer park fight, didn’t you?) is Fruitland Park. Yep, they are throwing Christmas trees and refusing to cook in Fruitland. I’ll stay here in south Georgia, thank you. Just don’t ask me to cook when I’m anywhere near the Christmas tree.