T GAMBLE: The fear of being 45 years ‘late’

Editor’s Note: This column discusses matter that is of a sensitive nature.

I am not sure if the four horsemen of the apocalypse have yet arrived, but I am pretty certain I can hear their hoof beats. It appears that a school in England has begun to teach 8-year-olds that boys, not just girls, can menstruate. That’s right, boys have periods, too.

This wonderful piece of advice comes at the insistence of the Brighton and Hove City Council. I am not sure where Brighton and Hove is located, but please remind me to never go there. The news that boys have periods, however, has caused me deep distress. For one thing, I am extremely worried. By my calculations, I am approximately 45 years late for my period. I don’t know a lot about periods, but I do know being late for your period was a very big deal when I was growing up. There were many things one could tell their mother, but being late for a period was not on the tell list.

Now to tell you the truth, mentioning the word period was not allowed, period. I had never heard the word in polite company until I was about 35, I think. But now they are telling little 8-year-olds about it and apparently just making up whatever makes them feel good. But maybe it’s true, so back to my dilemma of being 45 years late. I could be pregnant. I do not wish to be pregnant. I have two fine children who do not want a baby that has gestated for 45 years. But I must assume that if a boy has a period, he also can have a baby.

I am afraid having a baby will destroy my almost flawless figure. I absolutely refuse to breast feed, although I guess I could once or twice in public just to be trendy. Maybe I could have a baby and then be grand marshal at the next Brighton and Hove parade celebration. I shudder to think what they might decide to have a parade to celebrate.

The city council explained, “By encouraging effective education on menstruation and puberty, we hope to reduce stigma and ensure no child or young person feels shame in asking for period products inside or outside of school.”

Perhaps they should also teach that girls too can write their name in the sand while peeing outside and wear a cup when playing sports. Oh brother, the age of misinformation under the guise of inclusiveness is killing me.

Email T Gamble at [email protected].