CARLTON FLETCHER: What they say … what they mean

The rats keep winning the rat race.

— Atlanta Rhythm Section

Politicians, preachers and car salesmen are often the kings and queens of double-talk, so much so, some have warned that you should keep your hand on your wallet when talking to one.

I don’t know about that, but I do know that, after observing individuals in all three categories for an extended period of time, I’ve started to unravel the duality of some of their conversations. As such, I offer the following:

WHAT THEY SAY/WHAT IT MEANS

— When Hollywood celebrities say: “Everyone’s entitled to freedom and equality in this country.”

They mean: “Just keep them away from me.”

— When Atlanta Falcon fans say: “Our team played its heart out in the Super Bowl, but they came up just a little short.”

They mean: “The Birds choked.”

— When protesters chant: “Hands up! Don’t shoot!”

They mean: “Am I on TV?”

— When a local politician says: “I’m here for the people of my district/ward, but I’m a man/woman of all people in our community.”

He or she means: “I’m getting an early start on my mayoral run.”

— When a Supreme Court justice or high-ranking cabinet nominee says: “I plan to vigorously uphold the Constitution of the United States of America.”

He means: “Let me get in office and I’m rewritin’ this sucker the way it should be.”

— When a politician endorses the inane ramblings of his party’s top-ranked elected officials and says: “I think (president/governor/senator/congressman) so-and-so is making a wise choice, unlike during the (fill in number) of years we went through before he/she got into office.”

He means: “I’m toeing the party line. Who cares what’s best for the annoying public? I’ve got my own career to worry about.”

— When Brother Righteous of the Traveling First New Hope Missionary Apostolistic Church of the Covenant says: “God has laid on my heart this message of giving.”

He means: “Get them wallets out, boys, daddy needs a new car.”

— When an NRA propagandist proclaims: “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.”

He means: “The more fear we put into you, the more guns you’ll buy.”

— When a politician says: “I will fight to the death to defend my country’s Second Amendment Rights.”

He means: “I just got a fat check from the NRA.”

— When an activist says: “Cops are nothing but sadistic pigs and cowards, hiding behind a gun and a badge.”

They mean: “I got a speeding ticket the other day for going 75 in a 20-mph school zone, and I should have gotten away with a warning. Oh, wait, what’s that noise? … Help! 911! Get the police out here, there’s someone outside my window!”

— When telecommunications companies say: “Our next-generation phones do all these amazing new things.”

They mean: “Sucker! We just changed the color of the cover, added a few spiffy-looking graphics and gave it a cool name so that you’d shell out a few hundred bucks to be the first person in your group of friends to own one. Don’t worry, we’ll go next-gen in four or five months so that you can spend a few more months’ pay on the next next-generation.”

— When baseball execs say: “We traded away our best players while we could still get a return on them.”

They mean: “We’re dumping salaries so that there’s more gummie bears at the end of our latest losing season for me.”

— When college professors say: “You’ve been brainwashed to believe historic lies perpetuated by the ruling class so that they can maintain control over you.”

He means: “I’ve always wanted someone to listen to my crackpot revisionist hooey that I made up rather than doing all that boring research.”

— When that guy over there says: “I’m not a racist.”

He means: “I really am a racist.”

— When the public says: “I got this information from the most reliable source there is. I know it’s true.”

— They mean: “I read it on Facebook.”

— When a customer looking to return a purchase after he’s worn the new off it says: “It’s not the money, it’s the principle.”

He means: “It’s the money.”

— When a chef says: “My signature dish will hit your palate like an explosion of flavors. It’s unlike any culinary creation you’ve ever experienced.”

He means: “It tastes like possum throw-up.”

— When a self-proclaimed patriot says: “Finally, we can get back to the good old days when our country was great.”

He means: “Finally, we have an old white guy back in office.”

Email Carlton Fletcher at [email protected]. Follow @ABH_Fletcher on Twitter.