TARA FLETCHER: Women are often trapped by abusive partners

Like a lot of people, I like to listen to podcasts while I drive. This morning, the subject was abuse, and the person being interviewed was a survivor of extreme domestic violence. She said she had no family support, and when she confided in two male relatives about her situation, she later overheard them laughing and saying, “Why doesn’t she leave?” and “She must like it.”

Subsequently, the woman was doused with gasoline and set on fire.

That’s not the first time I’ve heard of people being critical of women who don’t leave their abusers. So, let me tell you a story about a woman I know who, in her mid-40s, met a man she believed was kind and gentle. Their relationship moved quickly, and he asked her to marry him in just a couple of months. She said yes, then moved into his home.

The woman drove an older vehicle, and her new husband convinced her to sell it. He later brought home a new car just for her. A few times, he lost his temper and yelled, and although it scared her, she chalked it up to stress and moved along.

He suggested, to save money, that she put her phone on his mobile plan. He even convinced her to quit her job and come to work for him. They got married in a small courthouse wedding. That night, he had a little too much to drink and after some odd comments, he pinned her against the wall, squeezed her face and let her know that he was the boss.

The next morning, he apologized, said he would never do that again and blamed the alcohol. But it did happen again, and it got worse. When she started thinking about leaving, she quickly realized she had been set up. Her car was in his name, her phone was in his name, she lived in his house and he was her employer.

She was embarrassed to tell the people closest to her that she had been so stupid. Her confidence and self-worth dwindled, and she didn’t know what to do. Each incident was followed by a day of contrition that for a time gave her hope that there would be a positive change.

There wasn’t. 

There was a broken wrist, bruises, busted lips, withholding money, threats and mental chaos. The neighbors called the police once when they heard her scream, and even though she was covered in bruises, her clothes were torn and he fought the officers, he still got out of jail the next day and wasn’t charged with anything.

The police were not going to save her, so  she made a plan and got a job. She started saving all the cash she could. She thought it would take at least $10,000 to set her up in a rental house and get the things she needed. She put an emergency overnight bag in her car … a change of clothes, toothbrush etc.

One early July morning (at 3 a.m.) he dragged her sleeping body from her bed. Her head hit the floor, and it took a few seconds to realize what was happening. He kicked, punched and cursed her. But she determined it would be the last time. When he walked to the bathroom, she hoped she would have enough time to get to her car and go. She grabbed the purse that contained her freedom — $6,000 that she had squirreled away for 18 months — and she ran to her car with him close behind. She locked the doors, cranked up, sped away and never went back.

You may have guessed by now that the woman I’m talking about is me. So I’m qualified to tell you why it’s so hard for women to leave. These abusers are good at what they do; they’re charming, and they’ve had a lot of practice manipulating women. Many times the women have children and nowhere to go. They are threatened, their children are threatened, their self-esteem is non-existent, they have no income. It is a helpless feeling. 

In my case, people knew this person had a violent past, but they were too afraid of him to warn me and for the same reason offered no help when called on. 

The threats these men make aren’t empty. Batteredwomenssupportservice.com published a study that says 77% of women who are murdered by their partners are killed soon after the initial separation. Today, and every day after, in the United States, three women will be murdered by their significant other. There is good reason to be scared to leave. No, we don’t like it. No, we’re not ignorant. We just trusted the wrong people.