CARLTON FLETCHER: Warning: Life can be hazardous to your health

Got to blame it on something. Blame it on the rain that was falling.

— Milli Vanilla

We shared a laugh with the call, one of those ironic laughs that says, “Have we as a population — as a species — really gotten that stupid?”

“Here is the warning that was on the nail polish I just opened: ‘Warning! This is not food! Do not eat!’”

Legit.

The manufacturer of a product used to decorate toenails and fingernails felt it necessary to warn consumers that the decorative polish was not for human consumption.

You hear something like that, and it would be easy to just give in and say, “You know what, we have definitely devolved and, yes, we are that stupid.”

But that wouldn’t get to the real crux of the problem. To get there, we’d have to alter our proclamation to, “There are enough sleazy lawyers in this country — and enough litigious-hungry losers who’d rather get something for nothing than to actually work and earn it — that manufacturers now feel they have to protect themselves from potential lawsuits by overstating the obvious.”

Thus: “Don’t eat the nail polish.”

When we get to one of these cultural lines of demarcation that signifies a sea change in our society, there is a tendency to try and find a genesis, a point where we can — well — point and say, “It all started right there.”

With the overly cautious warnings written by Captain Obvious and his minions, we don’t have to be sociologists to figure where the lunacy began: It started with Stella Liebeck, who sued McDonald’s — and won — in 1994 because … wait for it … her coffee was hot!

Liebeck spilled a to-go cup of coffee on herself, as all of us who think it’s a good idea to place a cup of scalding liquid between our legs while hurtling forward (or backward) at 50 to 70 mph in a couple of tons of metal, rubber and plastic are apt to do. Obviously the stupidity of such action is a personal choice, but 79-year-old Granny Liebeck — like so many of us in this everybody-gets-a-trophy-even-the-ones-who-suck society — and no doubt at the urging of an only-slightly-above-ambulance-chasing attorney — figured there must be someone to blame.

Of course, McDonald’s unwittingly sold her that hot coffee. It’s common knowledge that most people prefer their morning Joe lukewarm at worst, but preferably at room temperature or a little cooler. Hot coffee? The absurdity of it all!

But selling her that cup of hot coffee, Liebeck surmised — at Mr. Pro Bono Esq.’s urging — wasn’t just absurd. It was negligence, leaving an unsuspecting customer to ascertain that coffee — with steam coming out of the tiny opening in what had to be an inadequate lid — was going to be hot! And not just negligence … criminal negligence.

Liebeck, of course, won her case, and McDonald’s was ordered by the jury to pay the poor lady $2.86 million. (The restaurant ended up paying $640,000, not enough for all that pain and suffering, but not bad for a spilt cup of coffee, eh.) What American jury of peers, after all, wouldn’t see the wisdom of holding this evil corporate giant responsible for Liebeck’s … let’s just give her a break and call it ill-advised actions? Heck, I bet eight of the 12 still have their participation trophies on their mantels.

So, today, you get a hot coffee at McDonald’s — or any other restaurant that offers the beverage in to-go cups — and it’s a safe bet there will be a warning: Caution, Coffee is Hot.

And you’ll be warned not to eat nail polish … not to swallow drain cleaner … not to push sharp objects in your eyes, ears or other soft tissue … not to let kids play with your assault rifles or hunting knives … not to chew on objects made of metal. Trust me, the law offices of Sue-‘em and Screw-‘em are standing by if some negligent manufacturer or business forgets to provide adequate warning.

Maybe God should have slipped another commandment into his Top 10: “Thou shall not blame thy stupidity on thy neighbor” … or at least provided a warning: Caution, walking around can be hazardous for those without walking-around sense.

Wait a minute … get me Sue-‘em and Screw-‘em on the line. Somebody should have to answer here.

Email Carlton Fletcher at [email protected]. Follow him on Twitter @ABH_Fletcher.