CARLTON FLETCHER: Finding the proper circle in Dante’s hell for the deserving

“Oh well, it’s been a good day in hell.”

— The Eagles

In the classic poem “The Divine Comedy,” finished in 1320 by Italian poet Dante Alighieri, Dante made note of the nine circles of hell that he visited during what had to have been a fever dream.

In doing so, Dante left the perfect vehicle for we mere mortals centuries later to assign the likes of those with whom we’re at odds or others whose abhorrent behavior we find particularly egregious. So, as we close out this most contentious of years — a year we might dump as a whole into the first circle of Dante’s hell — here are a few nominees for various levels of the poet’s underworld.

♦ Political ad makers, Level 1: Sure, they’ve always been annoying, but we saw things taken to newer, more sickening levels during the lead-up to the Nov. 3 presidential election and in advance of the Jan. 5 Senatorial runoff elections in Georgia. (I thought I’d been granted a level of mercy on Christmas Day when I mostly watched an Andy Griffith marathon, but when I briefly flipped over to ESPN, the first thing I saw was a campaign ad … which led me to quickly flip back to Andy Griffith.)

♦ COVID-19 deniers, Level 7: Even as the coronavirus pandemic rages and a rapidly growing number of the sick are hospitalized and/or buried, these conspiracy theorists continue to show their supposed superior knowledge by “explaining” away the “hoax” of COVID-19, an attitude inspired by their denier-in-chief and his loyal followers who refuse to take simple actions that have shown to slow down the pandemic.

♦ Welfare cheats and freebie grabbers, Level 3: For some reason, a surprisingly large group of people has come to the conclusion that they deserve a share of the goods handed out for the needy by nonprofits and other organizations. They may have steady jobs, receive adequate salaries to pay their bills and live in comfortable homes, but when word gets out that there are freebies to be had, they’re some of the first in line, often denying the truly needy opportunities to meet basic needs.

♦ Politicians who expand their wealth while in office, Level 5: It takes a millionaire or, at times, a billionaire (ask Kelly Loeffler and David Perdue) to win a political seat these days, but one of life’s great mysteries is how these people buy their way into an office that pays them a relatively inconsequential sum (compared to the circles in which they typically travel), and they emerge a few years later with a bottom line equal to some small countries’ gross domestic product. That old saw about “for the good of the people” has become little more than a joke … unless, of course, the “people” referenced are immediate family members of the politicians.

♦ Bandwagon hoppers, Level 8: We saw a lot of these clowns during the unrest in the wake of police brutality cases that stunned the country. People who sat idly in their homes, interested only in the latest exploits of the “Real Housewives,” suddenly became flag-waving militants … until it got too hard or something new came along.

♦ Animal activists and abusers, Level 2: People who put the welfare of animals — no matter how adorable and cute they are — above the welfare of fellow human beings are just wrong. However, people who abuse animals — raise them to fight for entertainment, as elements in their puppy mills or simply allow them to breed at will until they overpopulate — should be forced to clean up all the gore inflicted on others who populate their level.

♦ Telemarketers, Level 4: You ever tried to nicely tell one of these people you aren’t interested? They won’t allow it. They persist until you’re forced to either hang up in the middle of their spiel or say something bad about them and their family to get them to stop.

♦ Polluters, particularly those who toss dirty diapers onto the streets, Level 6: How much lower can a person go than to toss out his or her baby’s waste-filled diapers for others to clean up? Certainly Satan can find some appropriate punishment for the likes of these dirtbags.