T GAMBLE: Oh, so that’s why they’re called ‘throw’ pillows

I have a friend who occasionally posts on Facebook about the throw pillow and its uselessness in the world. I’m not sure who first came up with the idea of putting pillows all over your couch so that no one can sit on the couch unless they throw the pillow onto the ground. Thus, I guess, the name.

I mean, if you walk into someone’s house without much notice, their couch will be surrounded by pillows. Small square ones. Large rectangular ones. Round ones, maybe even a smiley face, who knows? The only thing you do know is you can’t sit on the couch until somebody moves the pillows. Now, a guest can’t just walk up to the couch and start throwing pillows everywhere so they have to wait until the host says, “Excuse the pillows, let me move them so you will have a place to sit.” The guest always says this as if they just walked in the room and were stunned that someone had covered the coach with pillows. Almost like newspapers left on the dining room table back in the days when anyone actually read a newspaper. Except, they intentionally put these pillows there to begin with.

Of course, if they know you are coming, they will remove the pillows before you come. The end result is the person who lives at home must negotiate around all these pillows that are on the couch for God only knows what reason. And let’s not forget the bed either. No self-respecting decorator will allow a bed to go without at least 10 extra pillows strewn around. As soon as it is bed time, off they go, everywhere, so, I guess, you will have something to do first thing each morning in picking them up and putting them back on the bed. I can fall out of my bed at night without fear. It is surrounded like an outdoor trampoline with large decorative pillows thrown from the bed.

I even see some cars now with pillows on the back console and sometimes on the dash. I guess there is a need to throw a pillow down during the day so they put them in their cars, too. Before long I expect to see them in bookbags at school and on office desks. I may take some to court with me and place them on my table. “Excuse me, your honor, while I throw this pillow off the table so I can see the witness.”

I’m pretty sure there is a giant conspiracy somewhere that explains this phenomenon. Maybe the My Pillow guy started it to boost sales. I don’t know. Just be aware, I’m coming by Monday and need you to clear a space for me.