CARLTON FLETCHER: Those flames? … It’s just kids igniting

“All around, people looking half dead, Walking on the sidewalk, hotter than a match head.”

— The Lovin’ Spoonful

Maybe I’m just getting older (I am) or maybe the Earth’s just going through some kind of metamorphosis (which it isn’t; we know this because we’ve been told climate change is a hoax by people who know these kinds of things: politicians). But it’s so hot outside it’s dangerous now to make the 30-yard dash to your car in the parking lot.

I’ve seen reports of people keeling over and needing medical attention after attempting such foolishness in the heat of the day.

I know, I know, it’s summertime in southwest Georgia. It’s supposed to be hot. But not this hot!

I would say, “Back in my day …” but that’s the first sign of geezerhood, so I’ll just make it “back when there used to be polar ice caps …” this part of the world had something of a winter season and summers were pleasant. Kids couldn’t wait for school to end and summer vacation to start so they could spend their days being active, outside.

Of course, kids are in no hurry to leave the air-conditioned comfort of their homes nowadays because, geez, they might miss an app update, but even if they did work up the enthusiasm to head outdoors there’s no guarantee they wouldn’t burst into flames if they created some kind of friction-related spark. Don’t laugh; have you ever seen what a melted kid looks like? It’s not pretty.

Some fatalist group has now told us that by 2050, the world as we know it will be kaput. Sea levels will rise to the point that shysters will be selling beach-front property in Kentucky, and the North Pole will become the summer excursion destination of vacationers trying to beat the heat. With Florida doing its best imitation of Atlantis, Snowbirds will now summer in Michigan and Minnesota and Australia will become the only island land mass large enough to hold more than 72 people.

(Wait a second … I hear thunder outside … Weather alert! Weather alert! Weather a … Oh, that was just a car backfiring? Never mind. And, yes, this is what we’ve come to.)

Of course, anyone in his right mind — and that would be, of course, anyone who’s listened to the politicians with God on their side and the inside knowledge to disregard science — knows that this little extra warmth that we’re experiencing is an anomaly. The fact that Santa Claus had to move his headquarters to Iceland in hopes that the country’s name would bear out is just happenstance, the North Pole having turned to slush only because of excessive reindeer flatulence.

It’ll cool off soon enough, and all this talk about climate change and other such hooey will be something we all laugh about, an opportunity to make fun of the politicians on the wrong side of God and those phony scientists who were just trying to scare us to get all those lucrative grants.

So let’s just carry on like normal. So what if utility bills have quadrupled over the last three years; I’m sure the people who know will tell you that you’re just wasting electricity and your house needs weatherproofing. (They’ll even do an audit to tell you so.) And so what if rain events now pose such a threat of danger and we’ve become so frightened of every rain cloud that we have “Weather Alert!” days if the sky darkens minimally.

And so what if animal species are becoming extinct by the dozens on an almost daily basis. Dumb animals should have planned better anyway.

As Chip Diller told the frantic crowd at the end of “Animal House” before being flattened, “All is well!” Just ask a politician … or at least the politicians with God on their side.

Even so, I don’t think I’d be making any long-term plans past 2050. Unless, of course, you own some beachfront property in Kentucky.

Staff Photo