SCOTT LUDWIG: Changing flight patterns

The first time I ever flew in an airplane, LBJ was president. I remember mom dressing me like it was Easter Sunday, because that’s what everyone did back then when they got on a plane: They dressed up. Nowadays, people have been known to dress for air travel the same way they dress to mow the lawn.

After all, 60 years ago, it wasn’t every day that you had the opportunity to fly. In 1965, fewer than 95,000 Americans flew the friendly skies. In 2024, three generations later, there were 863 million passengers on flights either domestic or abroad.

A lot has changed in the airline industry since I wore that embarrassing clip-on tie on a flight with Eastern Airlines (RIP, 1991). Back then, smoking was allowed, in-flight meals were served, and airplanes didn’t have seatbelts.

Since that time, smoking on domestic flights has been banned (1988; international flights in 2002), and in-flight meals were eliminated by the turn of the century.

And I doubt very few people can remember sitting in an airplane without hearing the pilot’s command to “fasten your seatbelt.” But I do, because when I was young, there weren’t any. Seatbelts, I mean. Not pilots.

Here’s something else that’s changed over the years. By the end of the ‘70s, the people who rolled the beverage carts up and down the aisles were no longer called stewardesses. They became flight attendants. Here’s something else that’s changed: their job descriptions.

From the United Airlines Stewardess Qualifications manual of 1968, which apparently borrowed a page or two from “The Handmaid’s Tale,” the requirements for employment included:

· Females only;

· Ages 21-27;

· Height 5-foot-2-5-foot-9;

· Weight must be proportionate to height (but no more than 135 pounds);

· Unmarried, with no childre

The most important qualification of all, of course, was this: Must be attractive

Obviously, those requirements no longer apply. Newer qualifications include certifications to serve alcohol and provide first aid, an absence of various convictions (espionage, sedition, terrorism, murder, bomb threats), and the ability to reach the overhead bins without sitting on the shoulders of a passenger.

One other thing I remember from when I was in college is that my parents would always meet me at the gate when I flew home for the holidays. That all changed in 2001 because of a couple of all-too-familiar numbers: 9 and 11.

From that day on – Sept. 11, 2001 – air travel would never be the same.

After that fateful day, forever to be known as 9/11, the rules for flying changed dramatically. Today, these rules have become part of our air travel culture, and it’s highly unlikely things will ever go back to the way they were.

Now you need to arrive at the airport three hours ahead of your scheduled flight; four if your flight is international. Good luck finding somewhere to park. Then, when you finally arrive, you have to swear to the attendant checking your baggage that you and you alone packed your luggage, and that you never let it get out of your sight.

Then the real fun begins. Show the TSA agent your identification and boarding slip. Step up to the camera to make sure it’s really you. Now take off your shoes. Remove your jacket. Take off your belt. Remove everything from your pockets. Take out your laptop. Pray your tube of toothpaste doesn’t weigh more than 3.4 ounces. Now put your carry-on and everything else in a plastic tote … and hope the X-ray doesn’t reveal anything that indicates you might be planning to take control of the airplane.

Meanwhile, step through the x-ray machine yourself to see if you’ve got any weapons, contraband, or a bottle of Dr. Pepper stashed on your person. If you’re cleared, you’re free to go … as long as your carry-ons haven’t been pulled to the side because the x-ray revealed something suspicious. In which case, be prepared for your belongings to be exposed to the world, which may include your unmentionables or that naughty little novel you planned to finish reading on your flight.

About the only thing that distinguishes boarding a plane from getting locked up is that when you go to jail, your fingerprints are taken.

Recently there have been a number of tragic and fatal accidents in the airline industry, causing many people – including me – to doubt that the skies are still friendly. In fact, our very own president is shedding doubt as well. The way he talks about air travel, it might be best to find another form of transportation.

That would work, of course, for trips that don’t require traveling a great distance or crossing a large body of water. But if going from Point A to Point B requires traveling 3,500 miles and Point B happens to be on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean, flying may be your best and perhaps only option.

So here’s what my wife and I plan on doing on our next vacation: We’re flying separately. It’s our way of making sure that if anything happens, one of us will be the designated survivor.

It’s not ideal, of course. Ideal would be sitting next to one another on the same flight and getting to our designation at the same time.

Her flight lands on Tuesday; I’ll be there on Thursday.

I told you it wasn’t ideal.