CARLTON FLETCHER: Warning: This column could lead to paper cuts

You’re an idiot, babe. It’s a wonder that you still know how to breathe.

— Bob Dylan

It started back with that woman — and I don’t know if today we should call her a pariah or a genius — who spilled coffee on her crotch after picking up a cup to go at a fast-food restaurant.

She sued — ah, the good old American justice system — because she wasn’t warned that the hot coffee might burn her. And she won. Lots of money.

Perhaps that is why we have labels on products now that, when you read them, makes you wonder if a) the people who wrote them and/or insisted they be placed on the product are morons b) the people who wrote them and/or insisted they be placed on the products think we are morons, or c) everybody’s just scared of/looking for a lawsuit to score some of Dire Straits’ “money for nothing.”

I started looking around for some of these unnecessary warnings when I heard an actual TV commercial for one of the hundreds of thousands of medicines we take now to stay upright offer this as one of its 30-40 warnings: Do not take if you are allergic to this product.

OK, I get it that people are litigious these days, but if you think you have to warn people not to take medication for which they have an allergy, perhaps you’re slightly underestimating your customers. (NOTE: If your customers have complained about taking your product even though they are allergic to it, there’s really not much hope for them anyway.)

After having my interest piqued during a visit to, of all places, the local library, I’ve done some looking and these are some of the actual warning labels I’ve come across on everyday products:

— A popular brand of sleep aids has this warning on its label: “May cause drowsiness.” As opposed, I guess, to drooling.

— Rugged he-man types were the target for this one, I’d assume: “Do not hold wrong end of chainsaw.” Of course, some rugged he-man types don’t like to be told what to do, so this warning probably comes as more of a challenge for them.

— Obviously some bright up-and-comer watches cartoons with his kids, and after watching the Road Runner do this on several occasions, he came up with: “Never use lit match to check fuel level.” I say people who need that warning do not need to be operating gas-powered equipment.

— I was about to crank my newly purchased lawn mower a few years back when — thank goodness — I looked down and saw this warning: “Move feet away from blade when starting mower.” That saved me a few toes, as I removed my left foot from under the mower.

— The website for a popular costumer showed a photo of some broad-chested man in a Superman get-up and decided this warning was needed: “This costume does not enable flight or super strength.” I’m sure that led to a lot of returns.

— A popular hair dryer brand included this warning on its product: “Do not use while sleeping.” Maybe it should have added “Not recommended you use in shower …” Sheesh.

— A spray-on deodorant felt it necessary to add this warning to its label: “Do not spray in eyes.” Which, I think, discriminates against people who want good-smelling eyes.

— A friend of mine showed me this one. A baby stroller actually had the warning label: “Remove child before folding stroller.” Personally, I think that takes away an opportunity to work on the little one’s flexibility.

— An iron-on product comes with a warning label: “Do not iron while wearing clothes.” (OK, I’ll confess that I’ve done this before, so maybe that one’s not so dumb.)

As I mentioned above, the thing that got me started thinking about these ridiculous warnings was a trip to the downtown library branch. I stepped into the restroom while there, and I swear there was a sign in there that said: “Do not eat in this room. If you are caught eating, you will be asked to leave.”

Which kind of made me think: If you’ve got to tell someone that they shouldn’t eat in the bathroom, a warning sign may not get the job done. If they’re that dumb, they probably can’t read.