JACK PARKS: A nerd’s take on UGA’s football failures

Greetings, Jackolytes! As you may or may not know, but probably do know simply because people won’t stop talking about it, there was a seemingly important game of sportsball that was played recently between the University of Alabama and the University of Georgia.

Now I want to come right out and acknowledge that I don’t really keep up with sportsball. I follow Georgia Southern because they are my alma mater, and I kinda like Tennessee because my wife was born on the UT campus. I kinda like the whole underdog thing, too.

I was in marching band for 10 years, so I have seen enough games to know how it works. I can watch a game with friends, pick a side and root for them. And I have played enough games on the Playstation to know that if you turn down the opposing team’s AI, you can really rack up the points.

But I don’t really care about it. Or rather, I do care, but just enough to troll people who do care a lot about it because it’s funny to see people get all butthurt.

For those who don’t know what the term “butthurt” means, it’s an internet slang term that has been accepted into the cultural lexicon, which the Oxford dictionary defines as being “overly and unjustifiably offended or resentful.”

For those who are offended by the term “butthurt,” I would encourage you to check the Oxford dictionary for the definition of “irony.”

But back to the game the two teams played.

It wasn’t really played equally, was it? Because there was a team that won (Alabama), and a team that lost (Georgia). And one can really say objectively that, for all intents and purposes, the team that won (Alabama) played better than the team that lost (Georgia).

That’s because there are clear rules and regulations that leave no doubt as to whom the better team was. It was Alabama (not Georgia).

It has been interesting to see how things have played out in the aftermath, though. Despite so many football fans saying people who play videogames should “grow up and get some hobbies that matter” — as if watching other people play a three-hour game 2-3 nights a week is somehow more beneficial — Georgia fans are acting just like a bad gamer.

Pick any two people who think they are pretty good at a game and pit them against each other. You will find out pretty quickly who is good at the game, and who is all talk. For starters, the person who is good at the game (representing Alabama in this analogy) wins.

The person who is not good at the game (representing Georgia in this analogy) loses, but then goes on to make all sorts of excuses as to why they lost. They’ll blame the controller, the game’s response time, the other player for exploiting glitches, or any number of other factors.

Their pride just won’t let them admit that they (Georgia) aren’t as good as they thought they were, and the only reason their parents encouraged them to try was so they would get out of the basement for once.

All things considered, it shouldn’t be that surprising to anyone that Georgia lost. Alabama has won five of the last 10 national titles, while Georgia hasn’t won any since 1980. In fact that widdle, itty bitty win in 1980 is their only claim to a national title.

Georgia has won three SEC championships out of seven appearances, while Alabama has won seven. Sorry, make that eight; after this last game Alabama has officially won more SEC titles than Georgia has made appearances.

Even stacking the two against each other doesn’t do any good, because Georgia hasn’t beaten Alabama in more than a decade.

I have tried to explain that it’s like “The Mighty Ducks,” the movie about a ragtag bunch of hellions who get a halfway decent coach and, through the power of an ’80s/early ’90s montage, manage to make it to the state championship. Except in the movie, the kids didn’t lose, unlike Georgia.

They should have, though. They only made it to the playoffs because one team got disqualified, and they beat some mediocre teams that were having bad days. Then they got to the championship and had to face a powerhouse team that was practically undefeated for 20 years.

Because it’s a movie, the kids got the win and everyone lived happily ever after. But come on. You and I both know that in real life, the kids lose, and that makes sense. Because logic tells you that despite the fact that they had a good season, they just aren’t on the same level as the other team.

They got to play with the big boys, but nobody really expected them to win. As long as they have a good time and don’t get hurt, that’s the real win! Then on the trip home, they can stop for ice cream and promise to try harder next year.

I think Georgia fans would be better served if they took a “Rocky” mentality. They were a mostly local name that’s been suddenly thrust into the national spotlight as fodder for the big dog. Nobody expected him to win, and it was a surprise that he put up as much of a fight as he did.

The point of it for Rocky wasn’t to win, but to make it to the end. And make it to the end he did. He lost at the end, like Georgia, but he made it there. Then in “Rocky 2,” he came back again, and this time he won!

Here’s where the similarity breaks down, though, because this actually was the second time this year that Alabama and Georgia met in a championship game, and Georgia lost again. By even more points than the first time.

In fact, it was exactly six years ago that Georgia lost the SEC title game to Alabama for the first time, same date and everything.

I know this not because I’ve kept up with it, but because my Facebook memories showed me the “Mighty Ducks” analogy I used back then, and I recognized the significance of the dates.

I’m reminded of the phrase “Those who don’t study history are doomed to repeat it.” I’m fairly certain Georgia will remember Dec. 1, 2018 from now on.

They’ll probably remember Jan. 8, 2018 as well, since that’s the date they lost the national title to — you guessed it — Alabama.

Yes, they have lost two championship games to Alabama this year.

There’s almost a sense of poetry to it. Georgia began 2018 by losing to Alabama in a championship game, and they capped off this year by losing to Alabama in a championship game.

I understand that Georgia fans are extremely proud, even though probably half of them have never been to Sanford Stadium and couldn’t point to Athens on a map. This is a devastating loss for them because not only did they not win the SEC championship, but the loss also knocked them out of the playoffs.

The bright side is that there’s no way they can lose to Alabama in the national championship game on Jan. 7.

Because they won’t be going to the national championship on Jan. 7.

Jack Parks is a frequent contributor to The Herald and is the author/creator of the Talk Nerdy to Me column. That he has the chutzpah to write about a non-nerd sport like football is baffling, but he will no doubt hear about that from Georgia fans in the coming days.