JACK PARKS: Not a ghost (pepper) of a chance

Greetings, Jackolytes! Once again, I must apologize for the time since my last dispatch; I fear I found myself quite lost in a French village full of songs and tales of derring-do. But enough about that. On to the subject of the day!

I’ve written about time travel, fan theories, fantasy, comic books and more. But now it’s time to tackle the real world.

One facet of nerddom that is still relatively unknown because of its youth is the food challenge subculture. By food challenges, I am referring to unusual eating. Whether odd foods, or extreme amounts, their consumption can and has made relative superstars of unlikely subjects. Unlike athletic, musical or artistic talent, which take years to develop and gain recognition for, one can become a YouTube sensation overnight without even leaving the room.

I subscribe to several different channels on YouTube where people eat things like cow tongues, live octopi, 10-year old canned bacon and ultra hot peppers. The appeal comes from seeing how people react as they eat. The more outrageous the reaction, the better it is, and while the internet is full of people faking it, that’s not a problem with food challenges.

When you’re eating these “foods,” there’s no faking it. It’s either not as bad as you thought, just as bad as you thought, or even worse than you thought. Either way, it’s going to be entertaining to your audience.

I recently took my own little foray into this world. I have watched people eating ultra-hot peppers for over a decade now, and it has always been something of a fantasy of mine to eat one just to see for myself. I’ve never had the opportunity, though, because you can’t exactly pick one up at a grocery store and I don’t like ordering things from the internet.

Luckily — or so I thought — one of my coworkers managed to get his hands on a few ghost peppers and was kind enough to give one to me. I immediately started making plans to throw on my Captain America costume and make a YouTube video.

For those who don’t know, the ghost pepper is originally from India and is known there locally as the Bhut Jolokia. It was at one point the world’s hottest pepper and held that title for many years.

Now, how do you determine how one pepper is hotter than others? The heat of a pepper is measured in Scoville units. Scoville units denote how many parts of sugar water it takes to completely dilute the heat of one part of a pepper. The jalapeno averages around 5,000 Scovilles, meaning for every part of jalapeno it takes 5,000 parts of sugar water.

The bell pepper is a 0 on the scale. The habanero chili, the hottest pepper commonly used in cooking, is around 250,000 Scovilles. The Bhut Jolokia averages a million. That’s a 1 with 6 zeroes behind it. One-million parts of sugar water to counter 1 measly part of pepper.

It’s really hot, is what I’m saying.

The hottest thing I’ve ever eaten was the mango habanero wings at B-Dubs, and I could barely handle those, even if I drowned them with ranch dressing.

That’s actually part of the challenge with ultra-hot peppers, to see if you can handle them without any aid. The thing that gives peppers their heat is an oily substance called capsaicin. The heat you experience isn’t actual heat, but rather a result of the capsaicin bonding to your pain receptors. Your brain gets tricked into thinking it’s hot, but there’s nothing there.

Drinking water doesn’t help remove the heat. Since capsaicin is an oil, the water just kinda splashes it around and makes it worse. What you need is something cold to numb the pain, something fatty to soak up the oil, or dairy. Dairy products contain casein, which bonds to the capsaicin and removes it. For this experience I needed all three. So I got my favorite ice cream, suited up, and got the camera rolling.

I should’ve known from the start that it was doomed when I couldn’t find the cowl for my Captain America costume. No problem, I thought. This nerd has more than one super hero outfit. I put on my Batman footed pajamas and went on with the show.

I’ll admit it took me a couple minutes to work up the courage to actually eat it. It was bright red, about two inches long and, though it was fresh off the vine (stalk? tree? I just realized I don’t know where you get peppers from), it was already shriveled. It was as though the evil inside was so great it corrupted the outer flesh as a warning to all.

But YouTube didn’t become the mindless entertainment powerhouse it is today because of people paying attention to warning signs. I bit it off at the stem and started chewing.

I had mentioned to a friend that I was anticipating a huge amount of regret about 5 seconds in. I was off by about five seconds. Almost immediately, my mouth filled with a heat like I have never experienced before. It was worse than any hot food I’ve ever had. The heat started off at 11 and kept growing from there.

My sinuses cleared instantly, my face grew red and I got so hot I had to take my mask off and unzip my pajamas halfway down my chest. Even though it was a cool evening, I was sweating like I was in a hot, stuffy warehouse.

Even with the intensity I still felt okay about my chances to finish it. After the first 30 seconds or so, the heat started to level off. I even grew to appreciate it a little bit. Sure it was hot, but it wasn’t entirely unpleasant. I could taste the pepper itself, and it wasn’t too bad either. A little earthy, would go well with some sweeter flavors. I decided to swallow it.

Whatever the pain level was at before, swallowing the pepper quadrupled it. Once it hit the back of my throat, it was like someone was holding a volcano rock against my tonsils. I tried to hold off, but it hurt even to breathe. Inhaling was okay, because relatively cool air was coming in. But every exhale not only was warm, but itbrought pepper fumes.

My teeth started to hurt, like on the inside. Like they were popcorn, and the pepper was trying to make them pop. I could barely think, much less form coherent sentences, which made it very amusing to the people who were watching it live. I decided to break into my ice cream.

I had gotten my favorite brand, but as it turns out it didn’t matter what kind it was because I couldn’t concentrate on it enough to taste it. As I took my first bite I felt instant relief. It was cold, and it was good. Until I swallowed it, at which point the pain returned even worse. I instantly took another bite, but once it was gone, it got hotter.

I couldn’t eat it fast enough. In between the huge red flashes of pain flooding my brain, I wished that the ice cream was melted so I could simply drink it. Alas, I was limited to spooning it into my mouth, little by little. I had to go little by little, because I was afraid to eat more and risk brain freeze. I’m pretty sure brain freeze during a ghost pepper assault on the senses is enough to make you catatonic.

One of my friends who was watching live asked why I decided to do it. My answer, slurred and barely intelligible, is a perfect summary of my thoughts. “I thought it was a good idea; might be fun. Well it’s not fun. It’s not fun.”

I had to shut off the video to concentrate on my ice cream. I eventually got a rhythm going that essentially kept ice cream in my mouth at all times, and 20 minutes after I first bit down on the pepper the heat finally subsided enough for me to relax. After 30 minutes, there was barely any pain left. I was still unusually aware of my teeth, but other than that, I was no worse for the wear.

Then, 40 minutes in, I felt something in the pit of my stomach. It wasn’t nausea, it wasn’t a bathroom feeling, it was just off. I couldn’t really tell what was going on at first, but I didn’t it much attention. I was still laughing and making jokes with my friends about the video when I suddenly realized that the devil himself had coiled up inside my gut. It was as if my entire gastrointestinal tract had been converted to Kim Jong Un’s latest nuclear test site.

No joking, I experienced probably the worst pain of my life. I collapsed onto the couch stifling back tears and the desire to call an ambulance. I lost track of the passage of time. All I knew was that whenever I changed position on the couch the numbers on the microwave display seemed to be much later than they should.

Eventually I must’ve simply passed out from the pain, because I remember waking up and it being morning. There was no pain, no burning, not even the slightest discomfort. I managed to survive the ordeal, and came through it rather unscathed. I can now say that I have eaten a ghost pepper, so I guess there’s some modicum of bragging rights there.

There are some people who love eating ultra-hot foods. Apparently if you do it often enough, those pain receptors stop working. They basically just up and quit. I’m taking my cue from the pain receptors, and retiring from the food challenge game. At least regarding the hot peppers.

As I said, I have eaten a ghost pepper. I don’t feel the need to do it again. I may watch the video again though. I think it’s important to be able to laugh at yourself, and the video is pretty funny. If you’re curious you can check it out. Just search for “Pajama Batman eats a ghost pepper” and you’ll have a good solid 14 minutes of entertainment. Unlike the experience, the video is fun. It is fun.

Jack Parks writes an occasional column on nerd and geek culture. Follow him @tn2me on Twitter.