T. GAMBLE: Something is abreast with Z-cup shop teacher

Back when I attended school, about the time women quit wearing corsets, teachers were required to be role models. A little before my time, female teachers were required to be single in order to be a teacher. I never did figure out what that was all about, but maybe men were afraid their wives might be taken away by the football coach. Who knows? Obviously, whoever made that rule never saw my high school coaches, but that’s another story for another day.

Teachers were to be of high moral standards and could be fired for the least little infraction. But, alas, it is no more. I now see where in the liberal bastion of the world, oh Canada, Canadian high school shop teacher Kayla Lemieux, who once was a man but now at least sometimes identifies as a woman, has gotten a little carried away. She wears a long blond wig, short skirts, and now has size Z-cup breasts.

Yes, you read that right, Z-cup. Listen, I try to keep up on most such matters as I have a very inquisitive nature. I am especially aware of important issues, like women’s bra cup sizes. I don’t believe I have ever heard of a Z-cup size before. Pictures of Kayla show a person with breasts much larger than two fully inflated basketballs.

It appears even in Canada, these enormous appendages caused some questions. But Kayla insists they are real, that she suffers from gigantomastia, which is enlarged breasts of a male person. She said, “I am not wearing prosthetic breasts.” Now, I am not a Doctor. I am not even a nurse. But in my humble opinion, if this is gigantomasia it is the worst case in recorded history. I mean Kayla makes Dolly Parton look flat-chested. I know women who would pay to have at least a slight case of gigantomastia. I’m not sure if it is contagious, but if it is, Kayla could make a good living just going around to flat-chested women’s homes.

There appears to be one problem with Kayla’s protests that hers is not a fake breast display. Pictures have been taken of Kayla recently leaving her home. In them, she is without a wig, in men’s sweat pants, a T-shirt, and a navy puffer with no breasts. Maybe gigantomastia comes and goes, what do I know? Maybe her desire to be a woman comes and goes, too. Who knows? Online comments were not favorable to Kayla, who says “People online making comments are basically body-shaming.”

No, Kayla, people are actually stunned at the sight of a Z-cup. If these breasts were two trees, they would be giant Sequoias. If a building, the Empire State Building. Folks pay to see stuff like this. When I was growing up, Kayla would be in the fair and you’d pay $1.25 to come look at ‘ole Z-cup.

I’m fine with Kayla doing whatever Kayla wants to do. It’s not up to me to live someone else’s life. I have a hard enough time living my own life. But I’d like a little more stability from someone teaching my kids. I don’t know about Canadians, but here in good ‘ole south Georgia a shop teacher with Z-cups might be a bit distracting to a 16-year-old boy.

A-cups gave me enough issues without moving through the whole darned alphabet. You have your right to any illusion you choose, just don’t require me to join you in your illusion.