TARA FLETCHER: Finding inner peace a year after tragedy

It has been a year since my daughter died, and my life has changed in so many ways. The first 3 or 4 months were the hardest. Food being my drug of choice, I tried to eat away my feelings and gained a significant amount of weight. I felt like grief might overtake me.

And although I appreciated the outpouring of support I received, people would say, “How are you?” or tell me that they knew how I felt because they lost their parent, brother, etc. It didn’t help. I would always say I was fine and try to be sympathetic for their loss, but honestly I wasn’t OK, and at that point I could only feel sorry for myself and my family. But I understood that they meant well and in the past had said the same things to people I knew who lost loved ones.

About 4 months in, I dragged myself out of bed and decided I was going to clean out my closet. I opened my closet door and came face-to-face with a black trash bag on the floor. The day after she died, I had taken a blanket from my daughter’s bed, placed it in the trash bag, put it in my closet and left it there. I pulled the bag out, removed the blanket and was suddenly overwhelmed by emotion.

I sat there alone and cried into that blanket, trying to smell her, thinking of the last moments of her life, imagining her sleeping soundly wrapped in that blanket and how much I missed her. I talked to her and pictured her beautiful face.

For some reason, that day was a turning point. I took the next few days to think about how I wanted to live this life that had changed so drastically.

During this time, beyond the sadness and loss, which I expected, I learned a lot about myself. I took a good, honest look at who I was as a mother, partner, grandmother, friend and human being. What I discovered is that I was pretty good at all of those things. But there was a lot of room for improvement. There were grudges I was holding, people I needed to forgive, people I needed to ask for forgiveness, anger I was harboring and although I said I wasn’t a judgmental person, I knew I had some work to do in that area, too.

I started meditating on my own, then went online to find specific meditations. I began to incorporate daily affirmations. Soon I replaced negative thoughts and actions with positive ones. Keep in mind, I have never been a calm person. The majority of my 53 years probably would be described as chaos, but here I was, in charge of my thoughts and energy. It was a great feeling, and although I still missed my girl, I was able to appreciate the years I had with her and the gift that she was to me.

I also discovered that when you open your mind and heart in these ways, you begin to feel all the feelings. So when the childhood neglect and abuse raised it’s head, I called on it. The abuse of two different husbands presented itself, and I felt my way through it. I was gaining control of my life and mind, and that is powerful.

Then this question crossed my mind: If meditation has helped me through all of this, how can I learn to guide others through their struggles? I went online and looked for schools until I found an instructor that I connected with. Then I hunkered down and absorbed all I could, completed the hours of courses and now I’m a certified meditation practitioner and teacher.

So a year later, I am on a pathway to better health. I’m happily married and just happy in general, but, damn, do I still miss Nikki, that little girl who wanted to be a mermaid and the beautiful young woman who tried so hard.

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