CARLTON FLETCHER: We’re not so far removed from Mayberry’s Darlings

Old days, good times I remember.

— Chicago

On the old Andy Griffith TV show (another of my Top 5 favorites of all time), some of the funniest episodes involved Andy and Barney’s dealings with the Darling family.

The Darlings, whose patriarch, Briscoe Darling, was brilliantly played by Denver Pyle, were hill people whose Appalachian “old ways” were based on superstitions that had been handed down for generations. Any of life’s mysteries could be explained — and any of its necessities governed by — symbolic actions that in the modern world seem quaint or down-right silly.

We enlightened creatures of the 21st century like to think we’ve evolved to a heightened status that allows us to dismiss such superstition based on our superior knowledge.

(Go with me on this, I promise it ties together.)

A few years back, Justin Halpern wrote what became a best-selling book, the hilarious “S* My Dad Says.” The book was based on, well, stuff that Halpern’s father told him growing up. (Incidentally, the TV show “$h*! My Dad Says” was developed for CBS based on the book, but it was not in my Top 5 favorites.)

I was thinking about one of my wife’s Granny-isms that her grandmother raised her on the other day, and it dawned on me that, while we may dismiss the culture of people like the fictional Darlings as arcane and baseless, we all have family traditions and beliefs that are interwoven with superstitions and lore that would embarrass the Darlings.

As proof, I present $h*! my family used to say … and sing … and do.

— If a snapping turtle (called a “cooter”) latches onto any part of your body, he won’t let go until it thunders.

— If it rains during a funeral, the lucky deceased of honor is being graced with a baptism.

— If a locust sings in your hand, it means someone you know is going to die.

— Sung (after church and not in the presence of grown-ups): “In the sweet (give me some meat) by and by (give me some pie), we shall meet on that beautiful shore (give me some more).”

— If you get a cut on your foot, it’s quite possible that you could get a case of the “ground-itch.” The best possible treatment to ward off said malady is a “bread poultice.”

— Sing this ditty: “Johnson had an old gray mule, his name was Simon Slick. He’d back his ears and roll his eyes and how that mule would kick. And he’d say …” At this point, you pinch your bottom lip between your thumb and pointer finger, pull it forward (forming a groove) and suck in air. The resulting noise if you do it just right sounds like a braying mule.

(I’ll pause for a minute or two while several of you shake your heads knowingly and say, “This explains a lot.”)

— We lived in close proximity to Crystal Lake in Irwin County. The kids were warned on any number of occasions while planning trips to the recreational water hole not to swim very far from the shoreline. The reason? Crystal Lake has no bottom!

— If you pick up a frog and he pees on you, you’ll get warts. (Fortunately, there was a cure for the frog urine-induced malady: Kiss a redhead.)

— If you drink coffee before you turn a certain age, it will stunt your growth.

— A cardinal flying onto your porch is a sign of bad luck.

— If a stye forms on your eye, the best treatment for the infection is to rub a cat’s tail on it.

— And, finally, we often sang this bawdy ditty: “Johnny had a steamboat, the steamboat had a bell. Johnny went to heaven, the steamboat went to … Hello operator, give me number nine. If you disconnect me, I’ll kick your big … Behind the ‘frigerator there was some broken glass, Lulu sat down on it and cut her big old … Ask me no more questions, I’ll tell you no more lies. Lulu’s up in heaven, chasing butterflies.”

So, the Darlings … even as I laugh at their potions and superstitions that we’re supposed to see as nonsense … I tend to laugh more with them than at them.

Email Carlton Fletcher at [email protected]. Follow @ABH_Fletcher on Twitter.