CARLTON FLETCHER: Preparing for the great northern migration

All in all we are all just bricks in the wall.

— Pink Floyd

OK, boys and girls, show of hands … How many of you have heard someone angrily declare: “If (fill in the name of hated presidential candidate) is elected, I’m moving to Canada?”

Let’s see, one, two … 48, 49 … 197, 198, 199 … 2,847,644, 2,847,645 … OK, that’s everybody.

Two things about that: 1) No, you’re not. 2) Don’t let the almost extinct polar bears hit you on your way north, we won’t miss you.

Most of the moving-to-Canada stories I’ve heard have been people complaining about “whiny liberal celebrities” who say they’re moving to the Great White North if Donald Trump is elected to the White House. But I personally have heard just about as many people in these parts say they’re joining the great northern migration if Hillary Clinton is elected.

To quote the great Sgt. Hulka: “Lighten up, Francis.”

To all of you who are seemingly prepared to denounce your American citizenship over a political popularity contest that, it should be noted, means absolutely nothing in the overall scheme of things, a question. Could any candidate — Trump, Clinton, Marco Rubio, Bernie Sanders, John Kasich, hell, Mad magazine’s Alfred E. Neuman (What, me worry?) — do as bad a job in the White House as the last two occupants of that address?

(Brief interlude: The noted exception here being old “Nuke ‘em Til They Glow” Ted Cruz, whose campaign rhetoric seems just crazy enough to qualify him for W.-level incompetence.)

Here’s the thing I find most comical about all this “My country, right or wrong … except when my candidate is not elected president” bull. Hasn’t the past 16 years taught us that it doesn’t really matter who’s in the White House when we have the most self-serving, do-nothing Congress in the history not just of this country, but in the history of Congresses, pulling all the strings?

I laugh out loud when I hear people say, “Donald Trump’s going to make Congress do this or do that” or “The Donald’s not going to put up with too much bull from Congress before he starts firing people.” Guys, take it down a notch or two. Most of the Republicans in Congress despise Trump. You reckon he’s going to bully them into agreeing with him just by spouting some of the populist-inspiring platitudes that have become his trademark?

(Brief interlude II: If you believe Trump’s claim that he’s going to build a wall from one end of the American-Mexican border to the other — not even taking into account his ludicrous promise to make Mexico pay for it — well, let me just say I hope y’all are among those who will be making the move to Canada. We’ve got enough simpletons here without you. Enjoy the moose steaks and Molsons, eh.)

(Oh, and while we’re here, brief interlude III: I’d like to believe the vision his fans are painting of Trump as the get-tough candidate, but how can we honestly expect Trump to take on Congress when he ducked out of a debate because a Fox news girl was asking questions that were too hard?)

Of course, then there are the Hillary-lovers who have bought into her promise to deliver every little thing that every single person wants. She’s like America’s own personal Santa Claus. If Trump wins he ought to take all of you and force you to do the masonry work on his wall of oblivion.

As for the celebrity types who are threatening to deprive of us of their talents if Trump completes his improbable rise from among their ranks to the presidency, please note that — hard though it may be for you to fathom — we’ll manage just fine without you.

There’s a funny thing about this moving to Canada talk by the ultra versions of the liberal and conservative ranks: No one seems to have asked the Canadians how they feel about it. I think I’ve got a good take on what our neighbors to the north are thinking, though.

Taking a page from the strategy of the man who’s inspiring all this talk of migration, I expect Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau to make an announcement any day now saying he’s ordered the Mounties to start construction of one yuuuuge wall along the U.S.-Canada border. No one can blame him from wanting to keep these loonies where they are.