T GAMBLE: Close encounters … of the nerd kind

According to everything I have read over the last few weeks, it appears we have been invaded by aliens for years and nobody really got around to telling anybody about it. A treasure trove of close encounters has been released by the Army, Navy and Air Force, all describing unknown aircraft, lights, unusual instrument reactions, etc. One video showed a cluster of unknown aircraft hovering around one of our aircraft carriers.

Needless to say, this all disturbs me very much.

First of all what in the world do these folks want from us? Can’t they see we are in the middle of a complete breakdown of society and need a little more time to complete the job? And why do they always appear out over the dessert or ocean or some small town where only the 50-year-old townie sees the whole thing? I mean, don’t you think if these beings are advanced aliens they would occasionally drift over into New York City? I’ve never once heard of an alien encounter above a nude beach. What’s wrong with these aliens?

They must be like Bigfoot. I know Bigfoot is pretty illusive, but even Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) must occasionally have a wayward third cousin that isn’t right and ends up cutting the fool. Think about it. My old college, Auburn, had a bear roaming around it a few years ago. You always see a moose or polar bear wandering around some cold weather town lost and enjoying life. Not once have I ever seen a Bigfoot do such a thing.

We all know our fighter pilots are hotdog kings. I saw “Top Gun.” You did, too. Now you can’t tell me the aliens wouldn’t have at least one hotshot that would decide to dive bomb the Capitol or bellyroll over Niagara Falls.

But maybe they have figured out they don’t want any part of this madhouse we call Earth. It’s sort of like your Aunt Becky’s fourth marriage, best to just stay out of it or risk becoming collateral damage.

My biggest concern is if there really are aliens looking over us, the big-haired guy on “Ancient Aliens” — Giorgio A. Tsoukalos — will have been right all this time. He says all civilization came from ancient aliens. Why is it that any guy spouting off about aliens and supernatural stuff must always have a mysterious name? Never in the history of the unusual or mysterious has an expert been named George or Fred Jones. Just doesn’t happen.

Giorgio may become president, and we’ll have a complete lunatic in the White House. Oh, sorry, that’s already happened. But stay tuned, there may be an alien coming your way on a dirt road soon.