T. GAMBLE: Promise of man being eaten by snake a crushing disappointment

As we all know, most good Southern stories begin with, “Hey, Charlie, hold my beer and watch this.”

I have participated over the years in a few of those type poorly thought-out shenanigans. Last week’s announcement and then TV special of the guy who decided to be eaten alive by an anaconda may top the cake. I think he said, “Hey, hold my heroin needle and watch this.”

Discovery channel broadcast this two-hour event last Sunday night. Unfortunately, I did not get an opportunity to witness this enthralling event, but understand viewers were not overly impressed, as the guy was not really eaten by the snake but mostly just constricted quite a bit.

Viewers expressed outrage that the lead-up indicated the man would be swallowed, but, instead, he was only almost crushed to death. Until this event, I did not realize Discovery Channel viewers were such a violent lot.

The guy, Paul Rosolie, wore some type carbon fiber suit that resisted the snake’s efforts to crush him, much to the dismay of Discovery channel viewers who had apparently planned to watch a good, old-fashioned snake crushing. You know, you just can’t hardly find a good, old-fashioned snake crushing these days.

It is pretty incredible this guy decided to be eaten by an anaconda but — get this — he first had to go out and find an Anaconda big enough to eat him. So, most of the show was about his effort to find such a creature.

I need to have a talk with ol’ Paul. I live in South Georgia, home to more poisonous snake varieties than anywhere in the world. Rattlesnakes, moccasins, copperheads, coral snakes and then, for good measure, a few alligators.

They can all kill you. That’s right, kill you dead. I’m talking about closed-casket dead. I mean the type dead where folks whisper when they say, “Yeah, you know how poor ol’ T. Gamble died don’t you?” Then, they look all around them before telling the story, as if they said it out loud the same thing might happen to them, even though everybody for 10 counties over already knows what happened anyway.

I know they can kill me, but I don’t go looking for ‘em.

Let’s face it, if you get killed by an anaconda, chances are you were not in your La-Z-Boy when it occurred. I doubt there has ever been a recorded anaconda death at Fred’s Bar and Grill. You may get mass murdered at Walmart, but I’m pretty sure you will not be bushwhacked there by a 20-foot-long snake. It takes real effort to become an anaconda victim.

Effort, I guess, Paul feels is worthwhile because he says he wants to “emphasize the Amazon ecosystem.” I don’t know about you, but becoming a giant snake meal is not my idea of emphasizing the area. Has he ever thought about maybe distributing a few wild animal prints instead?

My favorite part of this saga, however, concerns PETA’s response to the show. Yes, PETA, The People For Ethical Treatment of Animals. “There’s no question this was incredibly stressful for the snake and tormented the snake,” said PETA spokesperson Delcianna Winders. They then requested the channel not show the program.

Well, dress me up in a ballerina outfit and let me dance at next year’s Macy’s day parade. An anaconda was tormented and stressed because he almost killed and ate a man? Who knew they got stressed out? This could lead to heart disease, maybe even excess drinking. It could take years of therapy before this poor snake can ever kill again.

And what about me? All this mess stresses me out. I propose next year they redo the show and have the anaconda eat a PETA representative, that way the snake will not be stressed out and Discovery Channel viewers will not be disappointed.

Email columnist T. Gamble at [email protected].