T. GAMBLE: Will new watch be the Apple of my eye?

I, like most of the adult population, am concerned about which direction the country should take. There is much division among the people and the decisions we make could affect future generations for decades to come.

I am, of course, talking about whether or not I should buy an Apple watch.

Yes, it appears Apple watch is set to take over the world. I am not sure exactly what an Apple watch can do, but I think it can read your blood pressure, calculate how many steps you have taken in a day, and stop the melting of the glaciers in Antarctica.

Until hearing about the Apple watch, I was under the impression that watches were about to go the way of the slide rule and the telephone booth. Everyone now just looks at their cell phone to tell the time, after first checking Facebook, emails, the weather, texts, naked pictures of Kim Kardashian’s rear end, and the latest rap sheet information on Justin Bieber. This usually takes until about 10:45 each morning, so I suggest all cell phones begin their time at 10:45 a.m., as no one will check the time before then .

But now Apple says we need a watch to tell time, text, check Facebook, the weather, Kim’s rear and Justin’s rap sheet. Who knew?

I understand some watches cost well over $10,000. For that price the watch better cook perfect country fried steak and bring me a beer from the fridge. I mean I’m aware we now live in the “information age” even though the average person I meet on the street couldn’t divide 20 by 4 in their head if the grand prize was a date with Kim’s rear end. How much information do I really need as I traverse through the perils of living in South Georgia day to day?

I guess I can now walk around with a watch the size of the Golden Gate Bridge on my wrist and have more information available than an old set of Encyclopedia Britannica. I can then still manage to get in the only grocery store line where the person ahead of me forgot their wallet and needs to take the Jolly Green Giant string beans back because the highly efficient scanner price on the can won’t read on the new fancy scanner that all the stores use because nobody can divide 20 by 4 in their head anymore. I can, however, look on my Apple watch and find out why the newest brand of fancy scanners has trouble reading Jolly Green Giant string beans cans, and this gives me great comfort as I miss a very important appointment which, thank God, my watch alerted me about as I waited in line.

While I deal with these types of inconveniences, the watch can read my heart rate, tell me how many calories I have burned during the day (usually an amount equal to the daily calorie burn of a giant tree sloth), and tell me my blood pressure.

Great, now my watch can nag me all day about my health. If this keeps on mothers and wives could become obsolete.

I plan on revolting from the information age. I have now learned all I ever plan to learn and will spend the rest of my allotted time on Earth forgetting what I already learned. This plan from cessation of learning to full and complete learning forgetfulness should take between 48 to 72 hours, depending on whether there is still anything remembered from calculus to forget these days.

Once I reach near maximum forgetfulness, I will enter a stage in life I refer to as the Congressional Life Stage. If I am highly successful in forgetting all useful information, I will enter the Senatorial Life Stage and if completely 100 percent successful, I’ll enter the Presidential Life Stage.

I can hardly wait, but with my Apple watch, all will be fine, as I’ll have it all at the touch of my fingertips.

Email columnist T. Gamble at [email protected].