CARLTON FLETCHER: A day in the life of President Trump

They told me when I was younger, said boy you gonna be president. But just like everything else those old crazy dreams kind of came and went.

— John Mellencamp

It’s April 2017 and U.S. President Donald Trump is sitting in the newly renamed Trump Oval Office with a number of his most trusted advisors. Zippy Bernstein, who was head of valet parking at the Trump International Hotel and Tower in New York before being named the new president’s chief of staff, is going over President Trump’s itinerary.

ZIPPY: Mr. President, you have that meeting with Chinese Premier Li coming up in a couple of days. We really ought to be boning up on the talking points for that meeting.

TRUMP: No can do, Zippy. I’m having some of my construction boys over later today. We’re going to spend the next few days planning ways to fix that darned Trump Wall down at the border. It keeps collapsing in on underground tunnels. I heard one of the cave-ins almost squashed El Chapo during his … what was this, fifth jail-break? That would have been a HUGE win!

And, anyway, I’ve got nothing to say to Li. He’s got those beady little eyes, and I don’t know for sure but I heard he serves cat as a main course when he hosts state dinners. And, besides, have you gotten a look at his wife? Skank-o-rama. Looks like a man who runs one of the most powerful nations in the world could buy himself a better-looking woman. What’s the use of running a country if you can’t treat yourself to the finer things?

ZIPPY: But, Mr. President, these talks are very important. Premier Li is angry about some of the things Fox News quoted you as saying about him and his wife, and he’s threatening to call in the trillions of dollars in loans we owe his country.

TRUMP: Well, the joke’s on him. I’ve thought about this for a couple of days, and I’ve come up with the perfect solution. The country is going to declare bankruptcy. So what if we screw some of our allies out of a few gazillion bucks? It’s been my experience — as a billionaire — that bankruptcy is the way to go.

SECRETARY OF STATE DAVID KOCH: Good one, there, Mr. President. You make us all proud. But I have to say a lot of the boys in the club are a little concerned about your ongoing feud with President Putin. He keeps referring to you as a “sissy boy.”

TRUMP: Hey, if I’ve told you guys once, I’ve told you a thousand times. I want nothing to do with Rootin’ Tootin’ Putin. Ever since he laughed at me for backing out of that debate by that Fox news girl …

KOCH: You mean Megyn Kelly?

TRUMP: Don’t say that name around me. I might have looked a little weak and maybe even a tad childish by refusing to be part of a debate that she was at, but some of those questions she asked the first time were hard. And she was mean. No woman should be allowed to treat me that way. The real journalists are the ones who ask me one of my pre-approved questions. Besides, no one accused me of being ill-informed, having no agenda or saying anything stupid after I stayed out of that debate. My ratings went up. I told you I could shoot somebody and my people would still vote for me.

ZIPPY: Mr. President, a group of congressional leaders are on their way over to talk with you about your plan to change our capital’s name from Washington to Trumpington …

TRUMP: Hold on a minute, Zippy. That guy over there huddled in the corner. I’ve seen him around here more than a few times in the last few weeks. Is that some terrorist who’s infiltrated the White House? Where’s the Secret Service?

ZIPPY: No, Mr. Trump, that’s Vice President Carson. You remember, your running mate?

TRUMP: Oh yeah. He’s the one that got us that all-important Obama vote. Picking him as a running mate was a stroke of genius, if I do say so myself … and I do. Old “Crazy-Eyes” Bernie Sanders didn’t know what hit him. John McCain’s been kicking himself ever since I put Ole Ben on the ticket.

ZIPPY: That’s great, sir, but we really have to get down to the business of running the country.

TRUMP: I didn’t sign on to do all this work you keep talking about. I’m Donald Trump, The Donald. I throw out ideas, and other people carry them out. You get the construction crews busy repairing that wall and call Secretary of Defense Palin. Tell her I want to have lunch around two-ish. Boy, I love to hear that woman talk. And don’t forget I’ve got a hair re-wrap scheduled at 3.