CARLTON FLETCHER: A #MeToo-inspired primer for male politicians

I am woman, hear me roar.

— Helen Reddy

As much as we’d like to think otherwise, the United States of America has elected some pretty … let’s just say socially adventurous individuals to serve as our president.

The list of presidents who were known to have enjoyed the company of ladies who did not share their last name is a long one, from Alexander Hamilton to Thomas Jefferson — who actually fathered a child with slave Sally Hemings — to Grover Cleveland (Grover Cleveland!?) to Andrew Jackson to Woodrow Wilson to Warren G. Harding. Then there were the modern-day trio of troubadours who are as well-known for their extracurriculars as they are their policies: John Kennedy, Bill Clinton and Donald Trump.

The list of politicians who were undone by their libidos is also well-documented — Gary Hart would most likely have been our president if he hadn’t been caught doing naughty things with Donna Rice on a boat called, believe it or not, “Monkey Business” — and you can Google it and find a long list of senators, representatives, judges, mayors and the like who were undone by their undone britches. (Anthony Weiner anyone?)

The thing about these folks, though, is that most of them actually did things that were considered, let’s just say in real bad taste and move on. JFK did “entertain” Marilyn Monroe and others; Clinton did do untoward things with Monica Lewinski and others, and Trump did pay women for favors, most notably right after the birth of his last child.

Nowadays, though, thanks to the #MeToo movement, candidates for anything — president, Supreme Court, Congress, dogcatcher, ombudsman — are having their decency questioned for “making me feel uncomfortable.” Poor Joe Biden, who is a strong advocate for women’s rights who hasn’t just talked the talk, he’s pushed through significant legislation that favors the fairer sex, is probably going to lose his shot at the White House because his greetings of women he knew are now thought of as “creepy.”

Same thing with Brett Kavanaugh, who had to endure a hell of public scrutiny after being accused of … well, something, it seems most of the accusers “can’t remember” specifically what, before being appointed to the Supreme Court.

Somehow, the #MeToo movement is now setting public policy? That being the case, here are some rules for potential political candidates to keep in mind:

— Do not hold a door open for a female. It’s “demeaning.” Instead, slam the door in women’s faces. They’ll know you respect them then.

— Do not kiss on the cheek, fist bump, high five, wave at, hug or even look at a woman who is not a member of your immediate family. Send them a text with only a smiley face imogie, and make sure that character does not have even a hint of lust in its eyes.

— If you don’t have any women on your payroll, hire some. Now. And pay them twice as much as any male employees.

— Do not call any woman by a potentially demeaning nickname: This includes honey, babe, sweetie, sugar britches, hot lips, missy, Miss Thang, num-num, mami, hoe or anything else that is not madam or Ms.

— Do not ever speak to your babysitter. Let your wife handle that.

— If you’ve had a drink or two and you’re at a party and you hear a lot of yelling and wolf-whistling, don’t just look the other way, get the hell out of there. Stat. Go back early the next morning while everyone’s still passed out and confiscate any video evidence that might indicate you were at that party. Then move to another city and discontinue any contact with the people who are your friends. You might want to consider a legal name change.

— If you choose a female as your running mate, make sure she at least understands that Colorado is not a foreign country and that a portion of the national budget cannot be set aside for shoes. (You know we all miss Sarah Palin.) Because when she says those things in public, you will have to go along with what she says or face the wrath of #MeToo.

Damn, it’s hard out there for a man.

Email Carlton Fletcher at [email protected]. Follow him on Twitter @ABH_Fletcher.