CARLTON FLETCHER: Celebrating Trump’s Heisman, NCAA championship, Cy Young, MVP …

He’s a magic man, mama.

— Heart

Donald Trump has unofficially/officially been named the champion of college football for 2025.

Following the thrilling win by the Indiana Hoosiers (and, no, this was not basketball, and Gene Hackman was not involved … he’s dead) over the Miami Hurricanes in the NCAA Championship game Monday night, Trump announced that he had brokered a deal with Indiana Coach Curt Cignetti to have himself named NCAA football champ.

The particulars of that deal have not been disclosed, but it’s rumored that Cignetti will soon replace former Fox News bozo and current alcoholic Pete Hegseth as Defense Secretary and be given the right to claim any six of the Top 10 players from the draft portal for the Hoosiers for as long as Trump is president … or life, whichever comes first.

Trump, whose much-maligned bone spurs kept him from being a college football superstar – and out of the army – said he easily would have claimed “four or five national championships” if the pain in his feet hadn’t confined him to “laying around on the beach, drinking beer and being mistaken for a beached whale.”

“When I’m not ending wars and raking in hundreds selling Bibles and shoes – plus checking out the lovely lips of female reporters and international leaders and trying to keep the Epstein Files from leaking – I’m usually busy drawing up football plays,” Trump said. “There wouldn’t have been any drama in the playoffs this year if any coach had used my plays … we’re talking about beautiful, perfect formations.”

As part of his deal to claim the championship won by a collection of excellently coached athletes, Trump also goaded Cignetti and Indiana Quarterback Fernando Mendoza into handing over the Heisman Trophy Mendoza won this year with his offensive and leadership skills.

“The fact that I do not have a Heisman Trophy is a tragedy,” Trump said. “Any organization – and NCAA, I’m looking at you – that doesn’t recognize my all-around greatness and reward me with their top awards is asking for my wrath. How do you think Indiana would like it if I declared basketball illegal in the state? I can do that … It’s in the Constitution.”

Mendoza said he was reluctant at first to give up his Heisman, but that Trump had made him an offer he couldn’t refuse.

“How many young men my age get to be governor of a nation we’ve taken over – and, no, I cannot say which one right now, it’s one that will catch everyone by surprise – and have their photo on that nation’s currency, plus get comped at gaudy … er, I mean, extravagant …Trump hotels in the Middle East?” the star quarterack said.

“I worked hard to earn that Heisman, just like my Indiana teammates and I worked hard to win our school’s first national championship. But some things are just bigger than personal accomplishments. So we’re honored to name our great president as NCAA Football Champion for 2025 and the Heisman Trophy winner for this year. I mean, the guy already has earned a Nobel Peace Prize …”

In other action related to the championship and Heisman earned by Trump, the president also has declared that all NCAA championships from this year forward will be named for him and, if he feels it, claimed by him or by some other billionaire of his choosing who never had the ability to play sports. In such cases, a monetary “gift” will be distributed in a Cayman Islands account in Trump’s name.

Emboldened by the thrill of being “gifted” awards that he has no claim to, Trump also announced he expects to be named MVP of the NFL and Major League Baseball, the NBA’s Top Sixth Man, the National League Cy Young Award winner and receive the Best Actor Oscars handed out over the next 12 years.

The president said he intends to tear down the Oval Office at the White House to build what he’s calling “my trophy case room.”

“When someone works as hard as I have to earn all these prestigious awards, well, the American people want to see those awards on display in a venue that is worthy of the man who earned them,” Trump said.

There has been no confirmation thus far of rumors that indicate Trump plans to “negotiate” a deal to claim Worth County High School’s STAR Student – and STAR Teacher – awards when they are handed out later this school year.

Email Carlton Fletcher at [email protected].