CARLTON FLETCHER: Coming to terms with the impact of idle gossip

There’s three sides to every story: There’s yours and there’s mine and the cold, hard truth.

— Don Henley

I received a shock during a recent casual conversation, a shock that, in retrospect, was a little foolish. At the very least, it revealed my naivete.

I was talking to an acquaintance about a lady I knew only casually, and I opined that I thought this lady was “one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met.” The response I got was nowhere near what I expected.

“If you’d known her back in the day … well, let’s just say that ‘sweet’ is not exactly an adjective you’d use to describe her,” my acquaintance said, obviously finding joy in my dumbfounded reaction. Then he leaned closer and gave me a little “history” lesson on the object of our discussion.

By the time this person finished filling me in on the lady in question’s background — some of which I still don’t quite believe, even with detailed (and graphic) evidence presented that would indicate otherwise — my head was spinning. Certainly I’d neither witnessed not heard anything that would lead me to believe anything beyond my original assessment of the lady in question, but I did walk away concerned that my character judgment needed a little work.

As I thought about what my acquaintance had told me in relation to the lady I obviously didn’t know well at all, I gradually developed a few thoughts about perception and reality. I’ll share:

1) Do we really know the people with whom we develop close relationships? And, conversely, as the case may be, do we really want to know them that well? I’ll admit that, even though I try to base my relationships with and opinions of individuals on what I witness for myself — not what someone else says — I found myself thinking differently about this lady I had always held in high regard. And it made me mad at myself (and a little at my gossip-laden acquaintance) that I allowed his words to influence me.

2) Is there anybody out there in this whole round world who doesn’t have issues from his or her past that he or she doesn’t necessarily want on their resume? I daresay anyone whose initials aren’t JC — and, no, I’m not talking about Jimmy Carter … even he lusted in his heart — has experienced moments of fallibility and weakness that are not discussed at family get-togethers except in whispers by the gossipy aunts who love a good story.

3) Do we often feel like hypocrites when we, as adults, tell our kids not to do things that we did even to excess when we were their age? Some hipper new-age parents are straightforward with their offspring, some even using their past foibles as anecdotal evidence that doing things frowned upon by society can end up biting you in the rear in so many ways. Most, though, adhere to that old standard of lying through their teeth to keep their kids in the dark … “Do as I say, not …”

4) Why do we delight in sharing any salacious bit of information we can about others, especially people who are generally viewed as “decent” people? Social media have turned this act into an art, taking the practice of gossipmongering to levels never dreamed of. Careers have been submarined and people’s reputations squashed by a few mouse clicks. Having the capacity to pass on often misinformation that ends up hurting people without even leaving the comfort of your own couch does a lot to alleviate whatever pangs of guilt a sender might feel about passing on such unverified information.

5) Why do we celebrate — through our movies, TV shows, music and all other forms of entertainment — people whose X-rated actions are part of the daily dialog (hello, Kardashians) and then turn around and condemn people we know for doing much lesser things? I know people who’ve trashed locals for any number of “minor” sins who in turn delight in the ongoing misadventures, shall we say, of people like the Kardashians and the likes of Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan before them.

Maybe Michael Jackson was right, maybe it is human nature. And while I am guilty of listening to and passing on gossip on occasion, I kick myself for letting the loose tongue of another destroy the obviously false image I’d created of a person who’d indeed always been “sweet” to me.

Email Carlton Fletcher at [email protected]. Follow him on Twitter @ABH_Fletcher.