CARLTON FLETCHER: Hollywood gold: 50 great ‘Guy Movies’

If you hear any noise, it’s just me and the boys …

— Parliament

There is this phenomenon — sorry, ladies, but it’s true — called the Guy Movie. It is, essentially, all the best movies ever made. And while Hollywood is always looking for the latest billion-dollar blockbuster with space creatures blowing stuff up, the Tinsel Town powers-that-be are smart enough to know that if you can get guys off the couch during football season and to the theater, you’re going to make some bank.

(Aside: Sure, “moving” and “meaningful” movies like “The Notebook” and “Out of Africa” and “Magic Mike” are going to appeal to the ladies, but nothing says sure-fire winner like a good guy movie.)

I’ve come across a book titled “1,001 Records You Must Hear Before You Die,” which is, obviously, what it says, a list of great albums that music-lovers should hear. I don’t have time to do 1,001, but what follows is my list of “50 Guy Movies You Should See to Remain Cool, Relevant and to Understand What Guys Are Saying Because They’re Always Quoting Lines From These Movies.”

(Aside II: It’s amazing the number of great Guy Movies that were made in the ’80s, a decade when the worst music ever was playing on the radio. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Our greatest entertainers left the music biz for the movies.)

Since space is limited, here are 30 movies that are amazing in their own right but don’t quite make it into my Top 20 … at least not today:

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Office Space, The Hangover, Rounders (very underrated), The Big Lebowski;

Major Payne, Reservoir Dogs, Manhunter (the introduction of Hanibal Lecter), Stripes, Goodfellas;

The Longest Yard (the original Burt Reynolds classic from 1974, not that sketchy Adam Sandler remake), Platoon, Risky Business, Clerks/Mallrats, Born Losers (the introduction of “Billy Jack);

The Shawshank Redemption, Full Metal Jacket (the first half; when they get to Vietnam, it falls way off), Dirty Harry, Pulp Fiction, Jaws;

American History X, Seven, Heat (the Pacino/DeNiro classic, not that other one), Remember the Titans, American Grafitti;

Point Break (again, the original when Patrick Swayze was king), Diner, The Usual Suspects, The Matrix (the original, the two sequels are almost unwatchable), Smokey and the Bandit.

Now, the 20 best Guy Movies ever — in no particular order — that you have to watch, over and over, even if it’s on network TV and the sleazy parts as well as the salty language have been edited.

Cool Hand Luke (1967): The great Paul Newman’s greatest role. Money-shot scene: Eating those 50 eggs.

Caddyshack (1980): Rodney Dangerfield and Ted Knight at their wisecracking best; dozens of great, repeatable lines. Money-shot scene: Bishop Bickering playing 18 holes, with Bill Murray as his caddy, in the thunderstorm.

Raising Arizona (1987): The Coen brothers using Nicolas Cage and Holly Hunter to full effect; amazingly clever dialog. Money shot scene: Kidnapping one of the Arizona quints.

Night Shift (1982): Michael Keaton, at his zaniest, and Henry Winkler (Fonzie! as a wimp) running a brothel out of the morgue. Money-shot scene: “Idea Man” Keaton explaining “prostitution” to potential working girls.

The Departed (2006): So many great actors, Martin Scorsese at his best, Jack Nicholson at his creepiest. Money-shot scene: Leo DeCaprio, Anthony Anderson and a slew of other guys blowing each other away (always head shots).

Dazed and Confused (1994): All right, all right, all right. If you lived in the ’70s, you remember them vaguely. If you didn’t, this is what it was like. Money-shot scene: On the football field after the Moon Tower party.

The Godfather I (1972) and II (1974) … (not, sadly, III): All other mafia flicks disappear in comparison. Money-shot scene: When Michael (Pacino) settles all of the Corleone family’s business.

Training Day (2001): Denzel won the Oscar; Ethan Hawke was equally as good: Money-shot scene: Jake confronting Alonzo in the housing projects late at night.

Animal House (1978): Hilarity on campus highlighted by the great John Belushi’s manic performance. Money-shot scene: Watching Otis Day and the Nights at the Dexter Lake Club.

The Deer Hunter (1979): A tragic look at the impact of the Vietnam War. Money-shot scene: Playing Russian roulette as prisoners of the Viet Cong.

Swingers (1997): Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau when they were so money but they did know it. Money-shot scene: Sue (“His dad was a big Johnny Cash fan.”) confronting the “House of Pain” posers.

Fletch (1985): Chevy Chase at his bumbling best as an investigative reporter (yeah, I’m biased on so many levels). Money-shot scene: In the records room.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982): A wonderfully-told coming of age in high school story. Money-shot scene: Four words for you … Phoebe Cates, swimming pool. Enough said.

Deliverance (1972): Burt Reynolds at his manly best taking three companions on the canoe trip from hell. Money-shot scene: Confrontation with two backwoods boys that ended badly for everyone.

Old School (2003): A fraternity that every guy would want to belong to. Money-shot scene: Will Ferrell’s “streaking through the quad” misadventure.

Year of the Dragon (1985): No, not the Bruce Lee classics, the Mickey Rourke with died-blond hair as a police detective in Chinatown classic. (Trust me, you’ll want to watch it over and over.) Money-shot scene: Final showdown with Harry Wong.

Billy Jack (1971): A kick-butt drifter who takes care of kids who are harassed by racist-jerk townsfolk. Money-shot scene: I’m going to put this foot upside your head, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Top Gun (1986): Tom Cruise making us all want to be hot-shot fighter pilots. Money-shot scene: Showdown with the Russian “bogeys.”

Roadhouse (1989): Patrick Swayze’s Dalton waxed all philosophical as he ripped out men’s hearts or just generally kicked their heinies. Money-shot scene: Putting an abrupt end to a barroom brawl.

Anchorman (2004): Ferrell’s funniest movie about a TV newsman who finds redemption after losing his way … hilariously. Money-shot scene: The death match battle between all the TV news crews.

Email Carlton Fletcher at [email protected]. Follow at ABH_Fletcher on Twitter.

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