CARLTON FLETCHER: Riding that gravy train of ‘free money’

Money, it’s a hit. Don’t give me that do-goody-good bullsh–.

— Pink Floyd

I don’t want everyone jumping on my idea – I’ll patent it if I have to – but I’ve come up with what I believe is a unique way to make a living.

I’m going to support every MAGA candidate who is running for office so that I can keep getting all that “free money” that our kind-hearted president is giving out to brib … oops, to encourage Americans to vote for a bunch of lousy politicians who keep their original thoughts – if they’re still capable of having one – to themselves and do whatever that genius in the White House tells them to do.

I know, I know. He’s promised three or four checks already, dating back to September and earlier, and none of them has showed up yet. Most likely, it’s because of the liberal mail carriers who aren’t doing their jobs, but, rest assured, the checks are in the mail.

Leading up to the midterm elections, where, surprisingly, Republican politicians in close races are finding ways to ask the president not to show up and “help” them when a year or so ago they would have been begging him to just fly over their state so voters could catch a whiff of his greatness, the president has been making pledges to hand out that free money right and left.

Heck, I’m pulling like crazy for Republicans now because if I’m going to be able to make my house payment in November, I need that $5,000 I’m going to get if the GOP prevails.

Over the last few days, the president has pledged $150 million or so to Alaskans for needed power lines at a rally for fading Senatorial candidate Dan Sullivan, and there’s an $8 billion bailout waiting for Kansas farmers – who are among the nation’s businessmen and women hardest hit by the president’s “beloved” tariffs and the cost of diesel fuel due to his illegal war with Iran, which we’re losing, by the way – to try and boost the fading campaign of Sen. Roger Marshall.

And, lucky me, since I fall into that senior citizen category, I’m anxiously waiting my $500 “Obama rebate,” part of $475 million pledged just to show contempt for the former president’s signature legislation, and I’ll even get 90 extra bucks as part of $1.9 billion in Medicare Part B rebates.

I know I won’t get in on any of that Kansas, Alaska – and every other state where a Republican candidate is in a tight race – largesse, but I think if enough of us start complaining loud enough during the remainder of the great deliverer’s term in office, I’m sure we’ll get more and more of this free money.

For instance, I’m working with some folks I know who are big 4-H supporters to come up with a plan to give the president the organization’s first-ever 4-H Piece Prize – yes, the spelling’s off, but I don’t really think that’s going to be a big deal. It worked for those boobs who head up international soccer, so I figure if I broker this deal, I should get enough free money to last me another couple of months.

I’m also reaching out to Georgia Senatorial candidate Mike Collins to get the names of some of his … we’ll say less savory … supporters, the kind that the president has an affinity for … some of those “good people” on the other side of that little dust-up in Virginia. If I can get in with them, I’m sure we’ll be able to work up a yuuuuge “anti-Obama/anti-nonwhite” payment that’ll get me through the end of the year.

Sure, I know payments like this amount to bribes, the kind of political capital every ruling party in Georgia and America has used – although not so blatantly – to try and win over votes when an election might be close. (Or, in the case of Richard Nixon, just because he was the crookedest politician in this country’s history … a title he is in jeopardy of losing.)

I also know that anyone who sits on the front porch waiting for the mail to come – in Albany, that’s often an iffy proposition – is going to be disappointed day after day when yet another 24 hours go by and, of course, no check is in the mail.

Even though I’m planning my future around all this free money that I’m sure will start pouring in any day now, something occurred to me as I reached out to various groups that can help me extort … make that build a case for … each new promise. If any of this money – and I mean ANY – did actually make it to my mailbox, it would be money that I and my fellow citizens – or at least the few in Albany who still contribute to the tax base – paid in taxes. That kind of spoils it a bit for my concept of free money.

Sigh … maybe I’ll keep working a while longer.

Email Carlton Fletcher at carlton.fletcher@albanyherald.com.