CARLTON FLETCHER: Trying to get Facebook with a 33 1/3-rpm mind

Welcome to the new age.

— Imagine Dragons

So I’m on Facebook now.

Yeah, I know, I’m the last person who can actually read and write who got aboard, and I went against my vow to completely ignore the social media phenomenon. (In my defense, I can honestly say that it was my boss who actually signed me up. If it had been left to me to make the leap, I wouldn’t have for two reasons: 1) I have no big use for social media. 2) I wouldn’t know where to start.)

But since it is part of my “job responsibility” to have a Facebook account, I now do. And, so far, this is what I’ve learned:

— UBL guitarist Jon Smith should stay away from Throwback Thursday photos.

— Rutha Harris has already committed to attending the Monroe High School alumni weekend shindig April 5-9.

— Flinn Coleman, Chuck Thompson and Eric Nichols may be all grown up and responsible adults now, but they’re still among the funniest people I’ve ever met. (It was their humor that got them through high school.)

— Ant Campbell is still looking for the highlight videos from Westover High School’s four-peat basketball run. (Sorry, Ant, I still don’t know anybody who has a copy.)

— Walt Petruska’s daughter is getting her learner’s permit.

— Cam Malphrus still has half a keg to get to.

— Nobody rocks Falcons wear like Erica Jackson.

— Kirk Rouse’s French Revival meal at Newman’s this week was awesome.

— LCHS grad Rosemary Scott, who recently interviewed Jimmy Carter for the Red and Black newspaper in Athens, plans to check out the Weeknd this … ahem … weekend.

— Suzanne McKinney is visiting her granddaughter in North Carolina and has about 752,000 photos to prove it.

— Just because a semi-familiar-looking young lady is “friends” with a high-ranking church official you know pretty well doesn’t mean you should accept her friend request without doing a little checking first. (And, no, I don’t think it would be wise for me to “like” your “Booty-licious” page, ma’am.)

— Jennifer Johnson-Gonzales got a great new haircut and an excellent new profile pic.

— Claudia Parker is holding down the old neighborhood, straight-line winds and all.

— Jose Tongol is one righteous dude.

— Lonnie Wormley now has the top-class commuter bike he’s always wanted.

— Talia Ashley’s “mini-me” is adorable.

— Jay Whiting and Adam Chavez are bringing back old WAJ Boxing videos — minus, as far as I can tell, the “W” in the enterprise, Wayne Chambless. Watch one of the videos, ask any of the guys about how they “worked their way through high school,” and you’ll hear one of the most outrageously hilarious — and ingenious — stories ever.

Yes, I learned all this from sitting in front of a computer screen for a few minutes and scrolling down the posts that I’m now privy to because I signed up … was signed up for … Facebook and actually had a few people to “friend” me. And maybe it’s because of my reluctance to — as Chris Hayes and Zach Etheridge said — be “welcome(d) to the Thunderdome” that I don’t get the fascination. Sure, you can see pictures of what people are eating and watch posted videos of amazing, boring, gross, hilarious stuff. And you can learn everyone’s political views and Terry Lewis’ word of the day.

You can even catch up with some pretty amazing people that you’ve barely spoken with in decades. (What’s up, Sandy Cohen? Happy birthday, Julie Tucker!)

But, even with young people abandoning the medium — out of their eternal quest for the “latest thing” and their disgust that their moms, dads and grandmoms are now checking out pictures of their lost weekends — because it’s no longer hip, I can’t get comfortable with the massiveness of it.

There’s all this minutiae coming at you at the speed of sound. Unfortunately, my simple mind is eternally set at 33 1/3 rpm. So, I’ll keep checking in every now and again to see if I can figure out what’s going on in the lives of a few of the people I know. But you won’t see me sitting through marathon sessions in front of the keyboard. Or checking out anyone’s booty-licious page … no matter how tempting.

Email Carlton Fletcher at [email protected]. Follow @ABH_Fletcher on Twitter.