DAVID CARROLL: Politicians: What they say … What they mean

Have you noticed that when some political candidates and elected officials speak, their words often ring hollow? It’s almost as if they aren’t being honest (imagine that). Wouldn’t you like to know what they really mean? As a public service, I will list some common political doubletalk, followed by the truth. Clip and save this column, and the next time a politician speaks you’ll have a handy translation guide.

When they say, “I’m worried about Main Street, not Wall Street,” they really mean, “Why would I worry about Wall Street? Their contributions to me are pouring in.”

When they say, “I’m here to talk inflation and jobs,” they really mean, “But I’m not here to talk about the allegations against me.”

When they say, “My position on this has been very clear,” they really mean, “I change my mind often, depending on what the polls say.”

When they say, “My doors are always open, and I will be holding several town hall meetings,” they really mean, “I’ll see y’all again when election time comes back around.”

When they say, “My relationship with the governor is very positive,” they really mean, “We shake hands for a photo when it is politically beneficial for both of us.”

When they say, “I’m glad these groups have come to the Capitol with their concerns,” they really mean, “I wouldn’t touch them with a 10-foot pole. My base voters would tar and feather me.”

When they say, “This administration’s policies are hurting families, and we must clean up this economic mess,” they really mean, “These are the talking points my party leader has instructed me to say.”

When they say, “I’m the law and order candidate,” they really mean, “I support the police. Unless of course, they investigate or arrest any of the candidates in my party.”

When they say, “I am awarding a check for $10 million to your county to improve roads, broadband access and sewer lines,” they really mean, “Please forget that I voted against this funding, or that I called it a reckless waste of tax dollars. But, yes, I’ll take all the credit now.”

When they say, “I’m running for this office because it’s time for me to give back to my community,” they really mean, “What? This position pays $200,000 a year? Well, I had no idea.”

When they say, “We should defund the Girl Scouts! Plus I have evidence that extremists are putting caffeine in child vaccination shots to disrupt our schools, and Howie Mandel is sending secret signals through the TV from Planet Gorf to destroy our dollar stores,” they really mean, “I’m not actually this crazy, but where I’m from, if I say outrageous things I get more votes.”

When they say, “Nobody owns me, and nobody tells me how to think or what to say,” they really mean, “I hope I said that right, or my handlers will put me in time-out again.”

When they say, “I will not seek another term, so I can spend more time with my family,” they really mean, “According to the latest polls, I’m toast.”

When they say, “I no longer hold town meetings because I’m busy working for my constituents,” they really mean, “Sorry, I can’t talk now. I’m late for my meeting with the pharmaceutical lobbyists.”

When they say, “I condemn Congressman Blowhard’s behavior. No public servant should act like that,” they really mean, “Unless it’s someone in my own party.”

When they say, “I can’t comment on Sen. Leghorn’s tweets. I’ve been so busy, I haven’t had time to read them,” they really mean, “Oh, I’ve seen them. I’m not just not going to comment on them.”

When they say, “Yes, I know the fake news has me trailing in the polls, but my internal polling shows me with a sizable lead,” they really mean, “I’ve already placed a down payment on a retirement condo in Cancun.”

When they say, “We need term limits. If elected, I will serve only two terms,” they really mean, “Thank God voters have short memories.”

And finally, when they say, “My vote is not for sale,” they really mean, “But it can be rented now and then.”