EDITORIAL: Domestic violence is the ultimate betrayal

Sunday night’s fatal shooting death is a poignant reminder of why observances like National Domestic Violence Awareness Month have come into existence. Of the violent situations that can develop, these are perhaps the most tragic. They often occur at the hands of someone the victim sees as a protector. It is, perhaps, the ultimate betrayal.

In Sunday’s incident, Albany police say, a verbal argument between a couple turned deadly when they say the man shot his wife in the face, killing her. Police say the man then sat down in a chair and turned his gun on himself in an unsuccessful suicide attempt. At last report, he was hospitalized in stable condition.

How that argument escalated into violence wasn’t known. Friction between couples can come from any number of directions. As long as there have been marriages and relationships, there have been disagreements. They can be caused by financial stress, problems at work, things going wrong at the home, infidelity, inattention, personality conflicts and many other stress factors.

The vast majority of us, thankfully, have learned to talk things out rather than to lash out, whether verbally or physically. We’ve learned how to — as our mother’s instructed when we were children — kiss and make up, or, failing that, to separate and go our respective ways.

Some, however, don’t. They abuse their partner or spouse. Though domestic violence situations are not always restricted to battling couples, that is a frequent case. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says that intimate partner violence — which the CDC says includes physical violence, sexual violence, threats of physical or sexual violence, stalking, and emotional or psychological abuse by a current or former intimate partner — affects nearly four in 10 U.S. women and three in 10 U.S. men at some point in their lifetime. The repercussions, in addition to betrayal, can include paralyzing fear, injury and lost time at school or work, which can cost education degrees and jobs.

A quarter of women and one in nine men, the CDC says, have experienced sexual or other physical violence, or stalking, with 16.4 percent of women and 7 percent of men experiencing sexual violence. About 33 percent of women and 25 percent of men experience physical violence from an intimate partner in their lifetime. Among those who experience violence, they are most often first subjected to it when they are young. Of those victims, 71 percent of women and 58 percent of men say their first experience of sexual or other physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner occurred before they were 25 years old.

There are organizations such as Liberty House in Albany that work diligently to prevent these crimes from happening. By the time police are called in, the situation already has escalated, often to a dangerous level.

There are ways to prevent domestic violence. Children growing up watch what the adults in their homes do. If you scream or lash out at your spouse, you are teaching your child that is the way he or she should behave. Teaching children safe, healthy ways to deal with relationships will help them avoid becoming a victim or becoming the one who hurts someone.

If a friend who is the victim of domestic abuse confides in you, don’t ignore it. If you think someone may be in physical danger, report it to an agency that can help.

Look at your own relationship. If it’s unhealthy, ask yourself why and seek help if you have to in order to find a better way to deal with domestic problems. Brute force and screaming never resolve anything. If you find yourself angry, step away and cool off. Everyone loses his or her temper at some point. How you deal with yours can prevent you from a reaction you always will regret.

Relationships should be built on caring for one another, not intimidation. Remembering why you got into it in the first place can go a long way toward keeping it healthy.