SCOTT LUDWIG: Address labels for a dog’s best friend

Sarah McLachlan and I have something in common. Besides being human beings, I mean.

Sarah and I both have a hard time seeing a certain commercial for the ASPCA – the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals – that features dogs in various inhumane conditions. We find it painful to watch.

Here’s where we differ: Sarah was featured in the commercial. As for me, the first time I saw it, I sat down at the dining room table, wrote a check, and mailed it off to the ASPCA. The effect the commercial had on me can be described in one of two ways, depending on how you look at it. It either, 1) opened the floodgates, or 2) created a monster.

If you’re one of the seven or eight animal charities on the receiving end of one of the seven or eight checks I ended up writing, you’d probably go with one. If you’re married to me, you’ll stick with two.

There are so many charities that I can’t possibly name them all. The Humane Society, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), Guiding Eyes for the Blind, Friends of Animals, World Wildlife Fund, Puppies Behind Bars. And, of course, the one that got the ball rolling, the ASPCA.

I probably left off a few. I’d get them for you, but I can’t because I’ve used up some of the return address labels I’ve received from several of the various animal charities over the years — and that’s the only way I could possibly keep track of all of them.

In addition to the literally thousands of return address labels, I’ve also been on the receiving end of T-shirts, tote bags, blankets, a plushy or two, and way too many animal calendars to count. All for the price of – if all the checks were added up — a four-year in-state college tuition

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The donations, of course, probably wouldn’t amount to quite as much if I’d kept a record of the recipients and the dates of the checks. That’s because there’s a pretty good chance that I paid annual membership dues to a few of the charities more than once in the same year.

For a time, it was rare that I went an entire week without a solicitation in the mail requesting another “annual” donation. I imagine there are some charities that, if they were being honest, would attest that I’ve already paid for annual memberships for the next 30 years.

All of that is entirely my fault, however. How can you blame the charities for taking advantage of someone – I’m sorry, I meant to say appealing to someone’s conscience — who has a track record of consistently sending them money?

I can’t help it. I’m a sucker for animals. When I see them hungry, dirty, neglected or cowering in the corner of a cage, it hurts my heart. Seriously. I’m one of those people that if you asked “If money was no object, what is the first thing you would buy?” my answer would be to build a gigantic facility to provide for as many animals as possible that are in need of food, shelter, and affection.

Even though the aforementioned commercial has been around for years, I still can’t bear to look at the television when I hear Sarah McLachlan’s voice. That has helped me to become a little more conservative with my animal funds over time. Besides, I already have enough return address labels to last more than a lifetime. (Wounded Warriors, St. Jude Children’s Hospital, you can both stop now.)

But if we should ever move again, I know of seven or eight animal charities that will quickly pick up on the fact that I will be needing some new return address labels. And when that happens, I know without any doubt whatsoever that the floodgates will open up all over again.